


make it easy for me

by ditzydaisies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Astumu centric, Bullying, College, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, High School, Implied Sexual Content, Inarizaki, MSBY Black Jackals - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Post-High School, Schweiden Adlers - Freeform, Slow Burn, Timeskip, Toxic Atsumu, Toxic Relationship, body image issues, high school bullies - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ditzydaisies/pseuds/ditzydaisies
Summary: When you first met Miya Atsumu, he was the source of your all your problems in high school. Funny, how things don't change years later but somehow he always comes back and you let him.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 120
Kudos: 320





	1. Sticky Notes

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fic! Honestly, this story is kind of personal and it's a lot of my working through my own issues with men and high school traumas... Don't get me wrong, I love Atsumu but he just seemed like the right fit for this kind of character. Anyways, please read and enjoy! Leave kudos and comments pwease! :3 
> 
> Some light TW to consider before reading: descriptions of panic attacks, mental health issues, family trauma, body image issues, bullying, toxic relationship

Loving someone like Atsumu Miya was extremely difficult. At first, it was nothing but fun, laughter, and sex. God, the sex. Then one day it became fighting, screaming, and more sex. Just sex followed by an aching silence. It was hard not to blame it on yourself all the time in the moment despite thinking deep down that maybe you deserved better. If there was one thing that was certain was that you should have seen it coming. 

+++

  
//2015//

The first time you met Atsumu was halfway through your second year of high school. You, your father, and your soon-to-be stepmother moved to Kobe which was her hometown. It was an impressive and vibrant city, but nothing compared to Sendai which is where you associated home with.

You stood in front of your new class in the standard Inarizaki High school uniform. Everyone looked at you with curious eyes. It was unusual to transfer high schools in the middle of the year let alone in the middle of one’s high school career. It was, in fact, an unanticipated shift that you wanted to resist. 

“My name is Y/N,” you introduced yourself. “Please look after me this semester!” You bowed before the class politely.

“We’re very excited to have you here, Y/N!” the teacher chirped as he clapped his hands together. “Now go take that empty seat beside Atsumu-kun over there.” 

+++

  
He might have been the most attractive person you ever met. Naturally, Miya Atsumu had an army of girls tripping over their own two feet for the boy. You wouldn’t lie that he gave you butterflies whenever he leaned over his desk to ask you a question, but you knew better than to like someone as narcissistic as him. Besides, you couldn’t afford to get distracted now.

“Hey Y/N-chan,” Atsumu whispered as you were copying down the various formulas the teacher was writing on the board. “I think I might’ve missed a few. Wouldja let me look at your notes?” Even his little accent was charming.

“After class, sure,” you responded, not taking your eyes off the chalkboard. 

Atsumu fell silent making you think that he had gone back to focusing on the lecture. In one swift motion, your notebook disappeared from under your sight. You looked over at Atsumu who wasn’t even looking at the content, but just waving the notebook in front of his face with a toothy grin.

“Hey!” you whisper-yelled. “Give it back!”

“Make me,” he taunted.

“Atsumu,” you warned.

“AHEM!” the math teacher cleared his throat straight at your direction. “Is there a problem, Atsumu?”

Why was he asking Atsumu what’s wrong and not you?

“Y/N refused to share her notes with me,” Atsumu replied in an unbearably whiny tone. 

You scoffed in disbelief, “I told you I’d–”

“(L/N),” the teacher called you out. “Stand.” You obeyed and stood up while everyone watched with judging eyes. 

The teacher continued to scold you, “You should have learned in grade school that sharing is a basic virtue.” The entire class lightly erupted in snide giggles and snickers. “I didn’t think of you as someone so selfish. Guess only time shows one’s true colors.”

“I’ll share my notes with Atsumu-kun!” some girl in your class with pigtails excitedly announced with her hand raised.

“Oh! Thank you, Mabuchi-chan!” Atsumu chuckled charmingly. “Meet me after class, wouldja?”

“See, (L/N)?” the teacher snorted. “It’s not that hard to do. I’ll let you off with a warning this time out of human forgiveness despite you disturbing my lesson! Another display of poor character and I’ll call your parents. Got it?”

“...Yessir,” you muttered. 

“What was that?” 

“Yessir,” you repeated clearer. 

“Good, now sit.”

You bowed slightly before sinking back into your seat where your notebook lied on the page where you were taking your notes. However, your once meticulously written notes were only barely legible by an obnoxious note that read:

_Thanks for takin’ the hit for me!_

+++

  
//2018//

Those first incidents should have been your red flag. Now at twenty, you were still stuffed in the sheets of your bed crying over the same boy you should have cut out of your life years ago. You had dated him on and off since your third year and up until now, but it was always the same. 

Your phone lit up in the dark and buzzed beside you. You groaned and flipped over so that your back was to the device but curiosity got the best of you. 

  
_Tsumutsumu: Hey, I’m sorry I snapped at ya earlier… You were just...nevermind. It’s my fault. I’m comin over, right now. I love you._

  
In the middle of typing your reply for him to not come and stop texting you, but you froze. You held the backspace key down until the textbox was empty again and responded with, _Okay. Bring snacks._

Maybe, you just couldn’t live without him. After all, he was the only person on Earth that wanted you. 

+++

//2015//

Atsumu was constantly picking on you at school making you an easy target for others. Every morning you had a slew of silly sticky notes on your desk. At first, they were just annoying with silly caricatures of you refusing to share your notebook. As word spread around school and turned into rumors, the vibrant colored notes got worse. 

_Bitch. Go back to Shiratorizawa. No one wants you here._

You plucked each square paper off your desk, gathered them in a pile, and dumped them in the trash can. Everyone was watching you again and your heart started to race at a pace that made it difficult to move. What was happening? You pressed a hand to your chest as your breath became short. 

Just then Atsumu walked through the doorway and noticed you standing by the trash.

“Oh, it’s (Y/N)!” he greeted cheerily. “Standin’ by your house?” He pointed to the trash can that he was referring to as your house causing those in your class to burst out in vile laughter. 

You wanted to vomit right then and there. Or at least fall to your knees, but you couldn’t break. You wouldn’t let yourself. You turned to look up at his face to realize for the first time how much bigger he was than you. He towered over you and could easily knock you over with just a finger. His smile fell from his face and instead raised a brow at your mortified expression.

Right then you remembered something your mother, your real mother, told you.

_“Sometimes you just have to bear with the hardships. Sometimes there’s nothing else you can do other than tell your demons ‘Okay! Try me!’”_

You closed eyes and took a deep breath hoping to calm down your heartbeat. You decided not to engage and take yourself back to your seat. The rest of the day Atsumu left you alone but kept looking over at you trying to discreetly massage your chest and tapping a finger against the wooden desk. 

The next morning, you walked into class with a clean desk. Well, almost clean. There was one pink sticky note placed in the middle of the flat surface that said, _I’m sorry_. You blinked at it and looked over at the boy who was strangely silent. 

Atsumu was looking outside with his chin perched on his palm with headphones over his ears. He was blasting music so loud that you could hear it from where you were standing. You took out your notebook and tucked the sticky into it. Maybe you could ask him about it in the future.


	2. Making Promises

//2018//

Good times with Atsumu were really good. So good that it made everything so easy and the past forgettable. 

“You had a crush on Ushiwaka?” Atsumu hollered. “I guess he’s okay lookin’! But he’s got the personality of a rock!”

“Shut up!” you jokingly punched his broad shoulder. “It was back in like my first year and it was really short-lived. I was going to confess to him before his volleyball practice. I had a letter and a salad–”

“BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Atsumu was rolling over on his bed with laughter while he clutched his stomach. “A SALAD? YOU WERE GONNA GIVE HIM A SALAD?”

“He was one of the top three high school ace in all of Japan!” you argued. “I didn’t actually know anything about volleyball or sports other than you had to be healthy. So, I wanted to be different and give him a healthy snack!”

“Yer so silly!” Atsumu said as he playfully tackled you and placed wet kisses all over your face making you explode in a fit of giggles. His kisses slowed when he reached your lips where he gave you a deeper, more passionate one. The blonde pulled away from your face and looked at you with adoration. 

“I want it to be like this always,” you told him.

He pressed one last kiss on the top of your head and said, “It can be. I promise it can.”

So to ruin the mood, your stomach started growling.

“Ya hungry?” he asked. “Didya eat dinner?”

“No,” you answer meekly.

“You can’t keep forgetting to eat, Y/N!” Atsumu lectured you rather lovingly and tickled your stomach. “I’m ordering pizza!”

“Wait, no ‘Tsumu, I can’t eat that and you’re supposed to be on a special diet—”

“Oh, shut it! What my nutritionist doesn’t know won’t kill him or my performance!”

  
  


+++

//2015//

Just when you think Miya Atsumu was kind of alright , he always had his way of proving you wrong.

The last week, you spent pulling consecutive all-nighters with tissues stuffed up your bleeding nostrils. Stress-induced nosebleeds weren’t anything new to you especially when it came to the nights before tests. Grades were everything to you. They were going to be your ticket out. Out of high school. Out of this place. Away from this family for a bit.

On Monday, a crowd of people were huddled over the bulletin. There was a mix of cries of pride and despair. 

“AH! I went up five rankings from last semester!” a girl cheered.

“Lucky! I dropped from eighty-eight to ninety-one! My mom’s gonna kill me!” another screeched.

You stood behind the group and tried to look at the list and scores, but the tips of your toes could only take you so far. You groaned and drew in a breath before squeezing in between bodies and shimmied yourself to the front. 

Just when you were nearly face to face with the sheets of paper an impossibly tall figure blocked your view. You looked up to see none other than Miya Atsumu who had parted the crowd like the red sea to see his score.

“Oh!” someone beside Atsumu exclaimed. “Top thirty, Atsumu? Not bad!”

“It’s nothin’, Yuuto,” Atsumu chuckled. You swore you heard some girls squeal in the background. Was it at the sound of Atsumu’s musical laugh or the fact he wasn’t a bad student? You would never know.

That wasn’t what was important. You had to know where you ranked, but this giant oaf wasn’t budging!

“U-um,” you stuttered as you poked Atsumu. “Could you move, please?”

“Oh, didn’t see ya there!” Atsumu smirked deviously. He totally knew you were there… The tall boy turned back to look at the rankings still completely blocking your view before turning back to you with a serious look. “Oh shit, Y/N. It’s ain’t looking too good fer ya. You might have to leave our class.”

Panic rushed through your veins. There’s no way. You always got top scores _and_ made into _the_ Shiratorizawa Academy. There was no way. 

“Please move,” you insisted. 

“What’s in it fer me?” he taunted. 

Not in the mood for his jokes, you shoved him aside making people gasp in shock. You frantically searched for your name from the end of the list, truly believing that Atsumu saw your name towards lower ranks, but to your relief it wasn’t there. 

_(L/N), (F/N) — #13, 91%_

You sighed in exasperation before shooting Atsumu a glare. 

“Whoa! I never said what score you got!” he defended himself. “I am genuinely sad they’ll probably move you out of our class though with a score like that.”

"They won’t,” you responded bluntly. “Besides it’s one score on one subject and thirteenth isn’t actually _that_ good. Gotta make it up to tenth for it to really impress.”

“Didn’t know you were so obsessed about grades,” Atsumu continued to tease you. “But I guess even _you_ need to be good at somethin’.”

“Ugh, (Y/N) get your fat ass out of the way!” you almost forgot about the angry hoard of people behind you. “You’re literally so wide, you cover the entire bottom half of the list!”

“Maybe it’s good that she covers it so that y’all can act like you never saw yer shitty marks,” Atsumu played along with their jokes. 

Your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach. Weight jokes were always a sensitive topic for you. It’s not that you were fat or unhealthy, but you never really felt hundred-percent comfortable in your own skin. 

Girls in Japan were stick thin and started their diets when they were twelve. In a way, you envied the way clothes didn’t seem to fit them right or how shirts and pants hung loose around their bodies. Compared to them, you were a bit fuller. If you had grown a little taller then maybe it would look a bit more proportional. Or if you were just blessed and filled in the right areas, then it would be better.

The words stuck in your head for the rest of the school and you told yourself you would skip dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow. Maybe, even reduce your eating schedule to one meal a day for a while. Now that you had a test out of the way, you could abstain from snacking while studying. 

“Hey, (Y/N),” it was Atsumu again. He was seriously the last person you wanted to speak with. “Something bothering you?”

“Why do you care?” you almost snapped. 

“You just look funny,” Atsumu replied. 

“...Like fat?” you murmured under your breath.

“What was that?” he asked genuinely.

“Nothing.”

“(Y/N),” Atsumu called out again, eliciting a vexed sigh from you.

“What do you want?” 

“You wanna know why people here don’t like you?”

_Because of you_ , you thought in your head but still bit your tongue back.

“It’s because they’re jealous of you. Especially today when they saw you rank pretty high after all their attempts to bring you down...It was probably a huge shock to them.”

You felt heat rise to your face and you weren’t really sure if it was from humiliation or anger. Maybe neither. 

“S-Shut up,” you tell him and look away from him.

“It’s true,” the tall blonde said as he leaned over his desk to catch your eyes in his warm brown ones. “You’re kinda a too-good-to-be-true kinda gal. You’re gonna be somethin’ someday, (Y/N). I promise you that.”

+++

//2019//

“I mean it when I say forever, Y/N. You might be the one fer me.”

Your smile fell and your eyes opened wide at his confession.

“T-th-this ain’t a proposal or anything!” he stammered. “I’m just saying that of all the people in the world, I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to give you everything and have everything with you.”

You didn’t even notice how Atsumu had gathered your hands in his until he slipped something cold into your closed palms. You gently pulled out of his grasp to look at the object he had given you. When you realize what it is you gasp.

It’s a simple and thin white gold ring. On the inside you could see the engraving of the brand name which usually would have sent you into a berserk fit over how he shouldn’t buy you such expensive things when you could just buy them yourselves, but this was the first exception.

“I’m not proposing to ya yet, but I heard promise rings were popular in the West and thought it was a cute concept,” Atsumu explained. “If you don’t like it, we can return that one and go pick a new one. Or a necklace. Or a bracelet. Whatever you want!”

“I love you, ‘Tsumu,” you whisper.

You throw your arms around the bigger man and bury your face into his muscular chest. You feel the warm vibrations of his chuckle as he rubs your back and presses his lips into your hair.


	3. Escalation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize that this fic was going to get attention so quickly O_O I mean it's not a lot right now, but still! I got really embarrassed when I realized I had a few errors in the last two chapters, so I'll try to do better proof-reading in future chapters! I'm wondering if I should post this story on anitwit but I have some irls on there and I'm not sure I wanna EXPOSE MYSELF LIKE THAT AHAHAHAHA... Again, this fic is loosely based on my personal experiences so... woopss ANYWAYS Thank you so much everyone :3 Enjoy this next chapter!

//2015//

Eventually as time went on, you did make one friend at Inarizaki High. Her name was Asami and you didn’t really get why she hung out with you. She was the loud, boisterous type from the class above your’s and was the one who held the overall number three spot in all of high school.

“Hey (Y/N)-chan,” Asami started while chewing on a piece of rolled egg, “wanna stay at school a little late to study for the English test?”

“I’ll have to ask, but sure,” you responded, careful not to say “parents.” 

“Asami-san,” came a rather mellow yet masculine voice. You looked up to see...Atsumu? When did he change his hair color to a warm, ash gray?

“Ah, Osamu-san,” Asami chirped as a soft blush rose to her face. 

Asumu’s clone remained expressionless as he handed Asami a white notebook and said, “Thanks for the notes. They were really helpful.”

“Any time!” It was the first you had heard Asami be so feminine and almost flirtatious, but Osamu seemed to not care very much and simply walked away with his friend.

“Didn’t know Atsumu had a brother,” you told her.

“Oh, really?” Asami asked, surprised. “They’re like royalty around here.”

“For what though?” you sneered. Asami looked at you with confusion and surprise.

“What do you… Didn’t you go to Shiratorizawa?” 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Asami gave you a stunned expression before answering, “Uh, hello? Shiratorizawa and Inarizaki are both volleyball powerhouse schools!”

“And that’s supposed to mean something why?”

Asami sighed, “The Miya twins are celebrities here, (Y/N). Like that one really big guy who goes to Shiratorizawa. I think he’s like one of the top three spikers… Uh…”

“Ushijima Wakatoshi,” you finished for her a little too eagerly.

“Yes! Him! Except, Atsumu and Osamu have an idol status. Get on one their bad sides and it could get real ugly for you. You’re honestly pretty lucky so far, (Y/N). I’m surprised some of the girls here haven’t done anything worse. If I had to guess, Atsumu’s kind of protecting you.”

“Urgh!” you groan at your friend’s ridiculous hypothesis. “As if! He’s a total asshole with no regard for other people. He thinks the world revolves around him just because he’s pretty and takes advantage of whoever he can!” You didn’t know what came over you as heat rose to the top of your scalp in frustration, but these were feelings you had been holding back since you first came to Inarizaki High.

“Um, (Y/N),” Asami warned awkwardly, but you ignored her.

“I can’t wait to move up classes next year so I don’t have to sit next to him and let him steal my notes whenever he wants. I swear to God, if I don’t score in the top five after our English exam, I’d rather kill myself than have to think about being placed in same class as _him_ again!”

“(Y/N),” Asami repeated this time more firmly.

Oh, no. That feeling of nausea and tingling that made you want to double over and regurgitate your freshly eaten onigiri. You turned your head to see just Atsumu seemed beyond surprised. In the distance behind him you saw his brother and his brother’s friend simply observing the situation. 

“Atsumu,” you said. “I–”

“You don’t have to anythin’.” For the first time Atsumu sounded kind of...upset. He had his right hand tucked behind his back as if to hide something from you, but he held out his right hand which held a pen in it. “You dropped this in class.” The pen wasn’t your’s. You had never even seen it before, but you didn’t really know how to react so you just played along.

“Um, I guess I did,” you told him as you took it from him. 

“Yeah,” was all he said. “See ya in class.” Atsumu quickly turned around, making sure to keep whatever was behind his back hidden from your sight. 

+++

//2018//

You and Asami had ended up in different universities after high school, but were both still located in Tokyo which made it easy to stay connected. You were both twenty, freshly legal in Japan, and second year college students of prestigious schools. Both of your hard work and efforts had paid off.

The two of you sat across from each other at a western-style brunch restaurant dressed in the city’s latest fashion. Asami was always a naturally pretty girl, but had become more mature with style and makeup. 

“Have you heard from Atsumu lately?” she asked.

“Don’t say that name,” you whined. “We’ve been done for like a year and didn’t date that long. Besides, he has some new girl that he’s seeing—that lowkey famous girl.”

“Six months is pretty long for a first relationship,” Asami noted. “I thought you really liked him.”

“Note the past tense there. Why bring him up though, you dated him briefly. Remember that?” The two of you giggled at the resurgence of past memories.

“Oh, hush! I was just as crazed about the Miya twins as any other girl.” Asami poked at her pancakes with her fork as she laughed remembering those days. “He _really_ liked you though.”

“Clearly not enough.”

+++

//2015//

Atsumu stopped acknowledging you after the little incident where he caught you actively shit talking him to Asami. He didn’t ask for notes or even look in your direction. Had circumstances been different, you would have thanked the gods for the silence. However, you couldn’t help the overwhelming guilt that had your heart pounding and racking your body at an intense speed. 

What was happening to you? Why was this happening now? Why was it so hard to breathe? 

It was hard to hear anything the teacher was saying over your thoughts and rapidly rushing blood. You didn’t even hear the teacher call your name. 

“(L/N)!” he shouted, finally getting your attention. “Am I not loud enough? Get up here.”

Shakily, you stood up from your seat trying to focus on keeping your vision straight. You didn’t make it two steps before the world turned upside down and fell dark. You couldn’t hear or really see anything, but you felt your head against cloth that wrapped you in the soothing scent of earth and freshly washed linens. 

+++

“Will she be okay?” you heard a woman’s voice ask.

The person she was asking replied with, “Yes, she will be fine. She’s just exhausted and nutrient deficient. We’ll give her a vitamin IV today and send her home. Do you know if she has a history of anemia?”

“Um… I don’t know, sorry doctor.”

“How are her periods?”

“I don’t know...sorry.”

“Has she been eating well?”

“She stopped eating dinner recently.”

“History with an eating disorder?”

“I don’t know.” The woman was growing more frustrated in her tone.

All the talking was taking debilitating shots at your brain making you groan. The woman gasped and rushed to your side.

“Mom?” you asked.

She became excited and whispered, “Yes! It’s me!”

You cracked your eyes open to see your father’s fiancé smiling at you with relief and frowned.

“How are you feeling, sweetie?” she asked while tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear. 

You jerked away from her touch which brought a hurt expression to her face.

“Anything you want?” she shot another question. “Water? You’re probably thirsty. Anythin’ ya want to eat after you get out of here? I’ll buy you whatever you want. Or I can cook you something really nice—”

“No,” you denied bitterly with a weakly raised hand. “I’m fine.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, finally taking her hand off of you. “You wanna see your boyfriend?”

“What boyfriend? I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Well a _boy_ basically ran you to the hospital on his back. He said he just had to go back to school by 3 p.m., but I think he’s still outside. I can go get him.”

“I don’t want to see anyone,” you responded not wanting to think about the mystery man that brought you to the hospital.

“Well he asked to see you when you woke up,” you could tell she was trying to stay as nice as possible.

“Sara-san,” you said her name harshly. “I just want some quiet right now. Please.” 

“Okay, okay,” she said sweetly. “We’ll leave you alone for a bit and I’ll tell him to go back to school. The nurse’ll be will be in to check on you shortly though, okay?”

“Yeah, whatever,” you said. 

Sara put on a sad smile before making her way out of the hospital room, leaving you by yourself. There wasn’t anyone else there but you. The white walls and white sheets made everything feel surreal. You weren’t quite sure what was happening. You just needed time to process a little. 

You just wished things could go back to normal to when your mother was still around. Everything was so much easier with her. Happier. Better. If she were still here, you would never have moved to this place. You wouldn’t be lying here hooked up to an IV. None of this would’ve happened. Why did she have to leave you?

+++

Atsumu sat on one of the chairs in the hospital lobby with his arms crossed and foot tapping rapidly against the floor. He let out an occasional, impatient grunt and ruffled his hair typically neat blonde hair. He looked at his phone that read 2:30 p.m. He had to get back to school soon for practice.

“Where’s this lady?” he huffed to himself.

“Miya-kun!” Sara exclaimed as she came rushing to him with her expensive heels clicking underneath her. 

“Oh, Sara-san,” Atsumu said with excitement in his voice. “Is (Y/N) awake? How is she? Can I see her?”

“She’s okay,” Sarah replied. “She seems really tired though, so I think it’s best if we just let her rest today, yeah?”

“Oh,” Atsumu said disappointedly. “Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Sara said apologetically. “Want me ta tell her somethin’ for ya?”

“No, ma’am,” Atsumu said. “I’ll just see her tomorrow at school...Or… Whenever she gets back.”

Before Atsumu could turn and leave, Sara stopped him by saying, “Ah, Miya-kun! Could I ask you somethin’?

“Hm? Sure,” he said.

“How is (Y/N) at school?” she asked. 

Atsumu pondered at the question. Should he tell your mom the wholehearted truth that he might be the reason she’s kind of miserable at Inarizaki High? No. 

“She’s really smart,” he commended with a hesitant smile. “Like crazy smart and she takes the best notes too! Our math teacher had an issue with her at first, but all the teachers really like her. You can tell she works really hard.”

“Really?” Sara wondered happily. “And friends? Does she have a lot of friends like you? I know she’s not really sociable lately because of the move and stuff with her mother passing— oh!” Sara clasped her hands over her mouth. Atsumu was just as startled. 

“Oh shoot!” Sara cried. “I’m sorry to have brought that up! I don’t know a whole lot about (Y/N) yet, but I know she absolutely hates it when I bring this up! Understandably so, but… I just wish she’d talk to me a little, ya know? I just wanna know what’s goin’ on and be just as a good mother to her.”

“It’s alright!” Atsumu reassured the rambling woman. “I won’t tell anyone, promise! I didn’t know she was goin’ through all that by herself. Must be rough, on all of ya.”

Sara gave Atsumu a sad smile and said, “Yeah... She hates me because I came into the family so suddenly, but I know she's a really sweet person at heart. She didn’t even complain when we told her we were moving here, but I’m sure it was really hard for her. Maybe she’s just too mature for her age.”

“Yeah,” Atsumu wholeheartedly agreed. “She is. If it makes ya feel better, I won’t bring it up to her. My lips are sealed.” Atsumu pretended to turn an invisible lock at the end of his lip and tossed the imaginary key.

“Thank you,” Sara said. “You’re a good boy, Miya-kun, and I’m glad you’re her friend. Please, look after her for me, wouldja?”

“Sure thing,” Atsumu affirmed.

Atsumu jogged back to campus with his head and heart heavy with emotions. Had he known earlier what was going on, he wouldn’t have picked on you so much. He wouldn’t have treated you poorly just because he thought you were fun to mess with. Then again, how was he supposed to know anything when you didn’t tell him!

The tall boy’s brain was stuffed with thoughts as he tossed the multi-colored ball up in the air and jump-served it. While his power was impressive, his aim today wasn’t as evidenced by the ball shooting straight into the net.

“Atsumu!” the coach screamed. “Get your head in the game! Our match is this Friday!”

“Sorry, coach!” Atsumu shouted back.

This was such an off day for him and it was all your fault.


	4. Always in the Back of My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say, I know I tagged this as a AtsumuxReader and UshixReader. This is primarily going to be an Atsumu centric fic, but Ushijima does make his debut in this chapter!

//2015//

You came back to school the day after your little trip to the hospital. Sara begged you to stay and take a day off, but you didn’t really want to be stuck in a house alone with her for that long. Besides, you couldn’t just miss more classes. Poor attendance also meant poor character and reflected bad work ethic and laziness—two characteristics you refused to associate yourself with. It wasn’t like you had a fever or anything. You could push through it.

You came a little early to school that day and found your desk and chair covered in sticky notes again. The return of the little devils was annoying to say the least. Today, the notes said things like: 

_Drama queen. You fainted on purpose. Attention whore. Guess your diet just made you pass out, instead making you lose weight LOL._

“Geez, these girls really don’t stop,” Atsumu said from behind you. “I’ll just have to have a talk with them—”

You slammed your books down straight on top of the notes and plopped yourself down in your seat. If they wanted you to sit in their pathetic words, then so be it. You also did not want to hear Atsumu open his mouth and say more useless things to you. All you wanted was to get through the day and the rest of high school in peace.

+++

You weren’t sure how you ended up with you back against the wall of the school gym after school surrounded by three girls you only recognized as third years. The girl in the middle was lecturing you and jabbing her index finger harshly into your shoulder while sipping a miniature carton of milk. Another girl played with your hair, occasionally tugging at the ends to incite a dull pain. The last girl just stood on your other side so as to keep you trapped in. Trying to mitigate the inevitable intimidation, you just kept your eyes on the ground.

“This is what you wanted, right (Y/N)?” Ayame, the center girl questioned. “You just want attention, right? This is what you want, so why do you look so upset?”

You didn’t respond.

“Oh, is it because you only want Atsumu-kun’s attention?” she pressed further. “Like he’d ever like someone like you. Like any man would ever like someone like you. You’ve got brains but that’s all you got. Nothing else. You’re the kind of girl that ends up alone. Unmarried and unloved. Nobody wants you. Your family probably only keeps you because they have to. That Asami chick too probably only likes you because you’re smart and you make her look good to teachers.”

You stayed still.

Hana, the girl playing with your hair, suddenly pulled your head back making you yelp in pain.

“She asked you a question, it’s only polite to respond to your upperclassmen,” she spat.

When you still refused to say anything back, Ayame pulled out the straw of the milk carton away from her mouth and dumped the opaque white liquid over your head. The three of them snickered at your distraught expression.

“HEY! GET AWAY FROM HER!” It was Atsumu coming to save the day.

“Shit, now you’ve done it,” the other girl, Yui spat. 

“Let’s go before he realizes who we are,” Ayame ordered. “We’ll get you back for this later, kid.”

They ran off leaving you soaked and helpless. Atsumu rushed to your side with a towel that he held out to you.

“You okay?” he asked with genuine concern but you didn’t believe it.

Caught up in your own emotions, you shoved his offering hands away from your face.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” Atsumu said. “I’m just trying to help.”

You glared at him and yelled, “Help!? How the _hell_ have you helped me!? You’re so fucking full yourself!”

Unable to contain his own anger from your rejections any longer he shouted back, “Cut me some slack, I literally ran you to the hospital the other day!” 

While this was news to you, it didn’t make you feel any better. “Oh my God! Thank you so much for doing what any human being would do when someone fucking faints! Besides I never asked you to do anything! If anything I would like it more if you had just left me to fucking die!”

Atsumu took a step backwards, clearly hurt by your words. 

“I...I’m sorry,” he admitted as he looked down at his feet. The two of you had gained an audience of curious boys in sports gear. “It’s just I—”

“Forget it,” you said and pushed your way past him.

It annoyed you so much that while he was the reason you were miserable at school everyday, he was also the only thing that kept your mind off of your deceased mother. The noise Miya Atsumu created made you forget and distracted you.

+++

  
  


//2018//

You lost Asami at the club. Between flashing lights, banging music, and men grabbing at random women, you lost her. It wasn’t a huge problem because you were having fun hopping tables, stealing drinks and kisses from strangers too. You just didn’t want her to get in trouble, but you figured she’d call or text you if the situation arose. That was the unspoken promised plan as always when it came to clubbing. 

Somehow you found yourself dancing on the dance with some astonishingly tall men with the exception of a white haired one who was just average in height. He had a distinguishing set of green eyes and somehow he seemed kind of familiar to you. 

“Hey there!” he said. “I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before?”

“Um, did we?” you giggled trying to act up your drunkenness. You were sure Asami was probably making out with her third or fourth guy by this point in the night and you had only gotten one shitty forced make out session with an ugly drunkard. This guy wasn’t the best...but he seemed nice enough.

“Maybe the name Hoshiumi rings a bell?” he announced into your as he jabbed his thumb proudly into his chest. “The Little Giant!”

“Sorry!” you yelled into his ear over the music. “Doesn’t ring a bell!”

“Oh, really?” he asked, sounding somewhat defeated.

“(Y/N)?” a deep and low voice came from behind you. You whisked yourself around and your eyes lit up. 

“U-Ushijima?” you cried delighted and drunk as you wrapped your arms around his waist in your tipsy haze. He returned the gesture by simply placing a large hand on your back. You wanted to hug him a little longer and breathe in his scent, but your dwindling sober side told you to let go after a second. “I haven’t seen you since...God, since I left Shiratorizawa!”

“Yeah,” he affirmed firmly with little emotion behind his voice which made you laugh. He was still the same as ever.

“Guess, I’ll go,” Hoshiumu muttered from behind you and hopped back into the crowd.

You tapped Ushijima’s shoulder and beckoned him to come down and lend you his ear. He did as you suggested and you took the chance to wrap a hand around his neck and “unconsciously” stroke the end of his hair. 

“Wanna go outside with me?” you asked him. “I kinda wanna buy some water and smoke.”

“...I don’t smoke,” he frowned.

“Not for _you_ , silly,” you laughed into his ear. “I’m not gonna make a pro-athlete smoke. But just come out with me, would you? I don’t wanna go out alone.”

“Sure,” he agreed rather politely.

Your intentions were pretty innocent. If anything, you just wanted to forget Atsumu for a night. If Ushijima wanted to take things further you would have been fine or if he didn’t want to do anything that was fine too. Anything was good for you. Even just standing in silence by Ushijima Wakatoshi enjoying a drunk cigarette was perfect. It was blissful and it was the first time you didn’t miss him. However, the emptiness came back in the morning tenfold with your raging hangover as you woke up alone.


	5. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like all these chapters are sad and angsty AHAHAHA mayb i do have issues *WAILS AND CRIES* I've also written ahead and those are also hella angsty >< oopsss 
> 
> I want to also mention that I am ok! A lot of what I'm writing is super dramatized (gotta keep it engaging) and not completely reflective of my experiences. But writing this has been pretty therapeutic honestly :3 
> 
> Thank you for leaving kudos and comments T^T didn't think people were actually gonna read this!!

//2018//

Atsumu was pretty active on social media and had a large following. Why wouldn’t he? He was talented and above all extremely handsome. He posted pictures and stories with his current girlfriend who seemed content and happy at his side. She was a model for online shopping sites and an influencer based in Osaka. You were a bit ashamed of yourself for constantly stalking her Instagram account, but you just couldn’t help it. 

She was everything you weren’t. Tall, slim but fit, filled in the right places, bright, and even smart. The way she wrote her captions and occasionally posted about politics and social issues was telling of her character. You were...happy for Atsumu. All this was for the best, but…

+++

//2015//

Everyday after your fight with Atsumu, the boy left notes on your desk proclaiming that he was sorry which you shamelessly ripped up and threw away right in front of him. It wasn’t worth your energy anymore. He probably did say something to people to have them stop picking on you, but you didn’t care and just tried to lay low as best as possible despite his incessant apologies.

He would call your name in the halls to try and gain your attention, but you would just walk past him. One day, he finally became quiet and you assumed he gave up. Until…

“(Y/N)-chan,” Asami said your name shyly as she stared at the ground with her hands behind her back. “Atsumu-kun confessed to me the other day and I think I’m gonna say yes.”

You frowned at your one friend in all of Inarizaki High. “I thought you liked Osamu?”

“Well...I did, but Osamu wouldn’t like someone like me, y’know?”

“And what makes you think Atsumu would like you then?”

Asami shot you a dirty and confused look. “If you don’t want me to date him, then just say so. You don’t have to be so mean about it.”

“I never said you couldn’t date him. I just think it’s suspicious.”

“He’s not a bad guy, (Y/N)! You’re just jealous that someone actually likes me while you can barely make a friend here!” She realized that she had gone too far when you didn’t say anything back. “(Y/N)-chan...I didn’t mean it like—”

“It’s fine, Asami-chan,” you assured her with a solemn smile. “You’re not entirely wrong anyways. Congrats...I hope you guys go for a long time.”

+++

They might have been the one of the most aggravating couples you had ever seen. Atsumu was always tagging along on your study dates with Asami leaving you to be the involuntary third-wheel while they giggled to themselves about everything and anything. You still weren’t on friendly or even talking terms with Atsumu, but learned to be silently cordial with him. Asami sometimes gave you a hard time about your persistence in ignoring his existence, but didn’t really force you to get along with him. 

Atsumu in a relationship was a new and weird look. He smiled in a way that was bubbly and gentle. Nothing like what he had been to you for the last two months or so. Asami gave him her 110% and even intricately planned a special date with him when his volleyball team qualified for nationals. 

Lately, Asami had been helping the team out and would often trick you into coming watch their practice instead of studying. It was a lot for you, but you felt like you couldn’t say no. You kept recalling how Asami had mentioned how you didn’t really have friends at Inarizaki. Asami really was all you had and you didn’t feel like losing her.

Sometimes you felt like you were catching Atsumu stealing glances at you while he hit one of his devastating serves. While they certainly were impressive, you merely reacted to the loud booming sound before returning back to the reading that would be due the next day. He usually would smile when Asami applauded him, but you noticed how that seemed to stop over time.

Asami was different being in a relationship too. Her grades were slipping. It was a dramatic drop, but nothing serious for concern since she always ranked so high. She went from top three to five and eventually down to seven within their first week which was unfortunately the week of back to back exams. You, however, were steadily rising and made your way up to the top ten overall. Still staggering behind Asami which irked you a little bit.

Life around you calmed down a little and people didn’t treat you as poorly as they first did. People even asked you to help them with their homework and between classes. Things were actually pretty decent once Asami started dating Atsumu. It wasn’t long before you realized why people didn’t pay much to you anymore.

After just two weeks of her relationship with Atsumu, Asami was in front of you by her locker where students kept their shoes. She had her head buried in her hands as she sobbed. 

“I can’t do it anymore (Y/N)-chan,” she sobbed. “I like him...I do...but not enough to deal with all of this.”

Her locker was filled with various pieces of paper with nasty things written all over them. A lot of them were the same things that had once been directed at you. 

“Besides,” she continued as she wept. “I don’t even think he even likes me that much. Every time I ask him to help, he just tells me to ignore it… that  _ you _ could handle it. So, why can’t I? I can’t do this anymore… He never actually loved me and now my grades are shit. I fucking hate this...”

You held your friend in your arms and let her cry into your shoulder.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best to you (Y/N)-chan,” she apologized. “I said things to you I shouldn’t have…” You smiled at her and told it was fine. Then she groaned and yelled, “Ugh and my grades are so shit now too! I’ve NEVER been below fifth!”

“Shhh,” you hushed her. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah.” she finally cracked a smile. “Be there when I break up with him?”

“Break his heart, girl.”

+++

Things were… strange to say the least. Atsumu was basically out of your life besides the fact you had to sit next to him for hours everyday. You thanked whatever divine being in existence, for putting you in a different class from Asami and saving you from more awkwardness than necessary. All that was left was for you to move into Asami’s class and be done with Atsumu forever.

Your history teacher gave your class a break and people shuffled out of the stuffy classroom and into the halls. You decided to stay and read over the notes you had taken to see if you had any questions or missing holes in your writing. Unfortunately, a large shadow of a much bigger person dimmed the light over your notes.

“(Y/N),” Atsumu called out to you in a tone you hadn’t heard from him before. “Can we talk? In private after school? I have some time before practice. It ain’t a lot, but it’s some time. If that’s okay with you...that is.” He sounded nervous which was extremely rare.

“No,” you rejected him, making him deadpan.

“It’s really important (Y/N)!” he begged. “Please! Please, please, please!” His voice was unbearably and embarrassingly loud. 

“Ugh, fine!” you snapped. “Just make sure, Asami doesn’t see or find out that we met.”

“Yes ma’am!” he saluted you ridiculously which actually made you laugh. You saw his brown light up at the sound which made you instantly shove it back down your throat and bury your face back into your notebook.

+++

There he was before you with his head handing in a ninety degree angle behind the school gymnasium. Your heart was racing not exactly in the anxiety palpitating way.

“I like you, (Y/N)!” Atsumu confessed. “I keep tryin’ to stop and forget you! Hate you even! But I can’t! I liked you for a really long time now and I can’t keep it to myself anymore! I know you hate me and rightfully so! I am the shittiest shit there is! But I promise that if ya accept me, I can make ya love me!”

+++

//2018//

Word spread through the corners of Japanese social media that Miya Atsumu broke up with his social media influencer girlfriend of six months. You were flipping through various pop media news articles that had pictures of your ex-lover with his newest ex-lover at beaches and expensive restaurants. You scrolled through the comment section which were mixed but mostly statements of “but they looked so good together!”

You carried a bag of groceries in one arm as you climbed the stairs up to your studio apartment unit and continued to read through posts and articles about the breakup of the so-called “power couple.”

“Hey…” the voice made you yelp and drop your reusable grocery bag. 

“Atsumu!?” you yelled. He looked tired and dead inside. You hadn’t seen him since the end of high school, so all this was overwhelming. You were about to lecture him in a loud voice when he leaned over to crash onto your shoulder. 

All your walls came crashing down when he wrapped his arms around you with his hand intertwined in your hair. He whispered, “I missed ya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'll take time in the end notes to give you guys a little character and story introspection if you guys enjoy this!! 
> 
> If you thought Asami was kind of a toxic friend, then yes you are right. But also she's a high schooler. I'm pretty sure all of us who've been through high school were toxic ourselves too. I know I was... :P  
> Dear Reader knows that Asami and Atsumu aren't being fair, but right now she feels like she needs to do whatever she can to fit in. I think I might include a snippet of her life at Shiratorizawa in a later chapter, but with the way I'm writing between past and future/present, it might get too confusing than it already kinda is... But let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> Should we all go to Shiratorizawa for a sec? LOL


	6. Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sdfghjkl; I thought I clicked preview but i pressed post instead and the title wasn't what I wanted it to be rip... anyways this chapter is more of Atsumu's pov in this relationship :3

//2018//

This was so unlike you. You had hardly touched a man after your relationship with Atsumu ended at the end of high school. He didn’t pressure you or force you to do anything really. Or maybe those lines were all blurred the second you invited him back into your home. The next thing you knew his lips were on your’s with his tongue tangled with your’s in your mouth. 

Piece by piece your shirt and pants went missing, leaving you in your bra and underwear. When you finally came out of your more primal instincts, you gently pushed Atsumu off of you. He looked at you with wide eyes and you took the opportunity to take him in.

He was also left in nothing but his boxers and his body was basically perfect as expected. You felt his hand pinch at the soft flesh of your stomach. You were reminded of how you had eaten earlier and were disgustingly bloated. Suddenly, self-conscious thoughts filled your head as you covered your arms with your hands and shied away from him.

“I don’t wanna do this,” you told him. “You can’t just come back and do this, Atsumu. You just broke up with someone.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he cooed and wrapped his arms lovingly around you. “It’s okay. We don’t have ta do anything you don’t want. Also, I didn’t break up with her recently… It’s actually been weeks. People were just slow to catch on.”

You grimaced at his response. It wasn’t that you _didn’t_ want to do it… You just hadn’t done it before. The last time you had a sexual encounter was with Atsumu a year ago in a hidden supply closet after his volleyball practice where you let him touch you a little more than usual.

Clearly, he was a different scenario. He had seen other girls. He’d been seeing other girls and used the last year to gain more experience. Maybe you were going to be another notch in his belt. An easy fuck and you would regret it for the rest of your life.

“Hey,” he said gently as he stroked your hair and turned your averted gaze back on him with the tips of his fingers. “I mean it. We don’t have to do anything. This is enough for me, right now. I’m just happy to be back here with you.”

You nodded and wondered to yourself just how long it would be enough for him. You were never enough for him.

+++

//2015//

Atsumu felt defeated. It was the first time he had been rejected by a girl and it was a huge dent in his pride and ego. Your rejection was both utterly humiliating and exciting at the same time. It almost made him want to try harder and make you his. 

He made sure to say “Good morning!” to you before class everyday. His already obsessive habit of stealing of your notes only increased and now would put poorly drawn images in the corners of pages. Atsumu was sure he was getting on your nerves, but he drank up all the attention you were forced to give him even if it was negative. 

“Is that a yakisoba bun?” Atsumu asked you during lunch. Asami had called in with a fever that day, leaving you alone during lunch time and giving him a chance to sit with you in an empty classroom. “That’s a lot of carbs, (Y/N). You should watch yourself. Don’t you need to lose a few pounds?”

He didn’t mean a word he was saying. You looked perfectly fine to him, but he knew that the subject of weight was clearly a sensitive one and you would definitely react. He could tell by the way you were already adorably furrowing your brows and scrunching your nose. What did matter anyways? Your number one priority was doing well in academics. Something as trivial as weight shouldn’t bother someone as tough as you.

Atsumu observed you as you immediately put the bread back in its plastic packaging and shoved it back in your bag out of sight. Happy with the fact you had heard him, Atsumu smirked.

“Take it from an athlete,” he furthered, “it’s good to eat a lot, but you gotta eat the right things, yeah? Otherwise your body composition will never actually change. Exercise is important too! You don’t exercise, do ya? I bet ya don’t. What do you do other than study and work? Dontcha got any hobbies?”

You had buried your little nose in your smartphone, doing your best to ignore Atsumu’s insensitive and tasteless remarks that picked at every little insecurity you had about yourself. Your mother had told you that “boys will be boys” and would try to get a reaction out of you in any way they can, but knowing that didn’t make ignoring him any easier.

“(Y/N)!” Atsumu whined. “Aw, c’mon! Don’t be mad! I’m just teasin’ ya!”

“Atsumu.” Atsumu perked up at the sound of your voice, but his heart fell to his stomach when he realized you were holding back tears. “Please.” 

+++

//2018//

He always made you cry. Atsumu hated when you cried so much. You always looked so hurt and knowing that he was the reason you were in pain made it worse. Still, he believed that he wasn’t the one at fault.

“I’m sorry you feel this way,” Atsumu stated, trying to lower his aggressive tone, “but you’re not totally innocent here either, (Y/N). Do you know how _you_ make _me_ feel when you keep pushing me away like this? I just want to show you how much I like you. How much I love you. You’re a big girl, (Y/N). We’re not little highschoolers who sneak kisses between passing periods in empty hallways. We’re adults who do adult things.”

“I never asked you to come back,” you told him. “I never asked for any of this. I’m not ready for any of this. Why can’t you respect that?”

Atsumu was so used to getting what he wanted and it was hard for him to understand where you were coming from. His patience was growing thin with you though. It had been so many weeks since he had last gotten any kind of action with a woman, but you had been persistent in turning down his advancements. 

“How much longer are you going to live your life a virgin?” he asked in a bitter voice. “Dontcha want to live? Experience? You’re so busy trying to be perfect that you won’t let yourself do shit. It’s why you didn’t go to America when you got the offer, right? Because you’re a big ol’ scaredy cat.”

“Well, I don’t exactly have a high-paying job like you!” you spat. “I’m still a student _without_ a stable job or a fleshed out career path even! And aren’t _you_ the one who begged me not to go to America?”

“Well if you really wanted to go that bad then you should have just ignored me and gone! I thought you were tougher than that! Everything is seriously my fault, isn’t it? You’re so dramatic, (Y/N).”

“Why are you like this?”

“Whatever!” he shouted. “None of this changes anything. I guess you just don’t love me as much as I thought you did.” 

The words left him without a thought. He knew he fucked up, but his temper got the best of him and he stormed out of your place. Why did he keep hurting you like this? Why couldn’t you just help him out a little? Why were you so hard to get when all he wanted was to love you completely?

He went out for a walk. Tokyo was a whole other world to him. He was in his off season, so things were more lenient. He picked up a trainer in the city and was working on strengthening his upper body for better serves and sets. Atsumu didn’t quite know what made him impulsively move here for a bit. Well… he did. And it was for you… 

Wanting to back with you, Atsumu dug his phone out of his pocket and sent you:

_Me: Hey, I’m sorry I snapped at ya earlier… You were just...nevermind. It’s my fault. I’m comin over, right now. I love you._

He grunted when you didn’t respond immediately, but just a minute later he saw the chat bubble appear with three dots. Anxiously, he awaited your reply. It was going to be a long one. You were sending him a long text. This was it. You were going to end it. Tell him to not come back.

_(Y/N)-cutie: Okay. Bring snacks._

Atsumu sighed a breath of relief. He had another chance!...Another chance. How many more did he have left?

+++

//2015//

Atsumu’s grades slipped. It was hard to keep up with his studies when Nationals was in a week. The Spring Tournament was the biggest high school volleyball event in Japan and he—the best high school setter—was determined to win. Atsumu was in a safe zone with his grades, but top fifty wasn’t a good look for his parents. Especially not when his twin brother, Osamu consistently ranked in the top fifteen. 

“GAAAHH!!” Atsumu yelled in the library during his free period. Typically, he would be throwing tosses to his brother during this time but his English grade was drastically dropping with each quiz. 

“SHHHH!” everyone in the library shushed him angrily. In the library, nobody really cared who you were. Everyone there was doing their best to get into the best school. Atsumu was lucky to be so good at volleyball. With bare minimum grades, he could get into some of the best schools in the country with sports alone. In fact, several college recruiters had already asked him and Osamu if they were third years or if they would be willing to join their teams when the time came.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw you browsing through the books of the library. A mischievous smirk grew on his face when he noticed how you struggled to reach something on the tips of your toes. He took the chance to creep up behind you and grab the book your fingers pointed towards. You gasped, startled by the much larger person who had suddenly appeared behind you. 

Atsumu looked at the cover of the book in his hand. To his luck, the entire cover was in English. He frowned and tried to speak the three letters that was plastered in bold red text.

“S...A...T?” he pronounced each letter as its own syllable. “ _Sat?_ Isn’t that like...sitting? I dont remember what tense though… Past? Present?”

“Give it back,” you reached up to grasp it but Atsumu held it above your head. He kept observing the front trying to decipher what it was saying. Giving up on the cover, he flipped to a random page to find questions and multiple choice answers. “Is this a test? Ya takin’ a special English exam er somethin’?”

“It’s the American college entrance test,” you explained to him as calmly as possible. “Now please, give it back.”

A kind of shock and anxiety filled Atsumu with your words. “America?”

“Yeah,” you said. “The dean called some of us in and suggested we think about taking it.”

“Why would he do that?” Atsumu snapped. He didn’t like that idea at all. How could he dream about marrying you if you were going to be all the way across the world? 

“The more options the better, right?” you said. “Not all of us are star athletes with a one-way ticket to any university.”

“Hmph,” Atsumu scoffed. “You’ve never even seen me play a real game. How do you know I’m _that_ good?”

“Because when you’re not making fun of me, it’s all you talk about.”

Atsumu felt his cheeks flush. “Oh. Do I really talk about volleyball that much?” He brought his arms down, allowing you to slip the prep book out of his grasp.

“Mmhm,” you nodded. 

“I guess I should stop that, huh?”

You looked upwards thoughtfully and replied, “No. I think it’s nice that you like something so much. Besides, it’s better than hearing you always be mean to me.” There was a step in your voice and the faintest of smiles on your face as you bantered with him. Butterflies erupted in Atsumu’s stomach that fluttered up to his chest and throat.

“D-did somethin’ good happen to ya? You sound...happy.”

“I do?” A big smile spread across your face. “I mean, it’s nice when someone tells you that you have potential, right?”

You were crazy to him. He had never met someone quite like you. Of course, there were nerds whose whole life was studying and more studying and you might as well have been one of those on a surface level. However, you distinguished yourself with attitude. Even the famous school nerds envied people like you and Asami. The two of you weren’t limited and had boundless potential. You could be anything you wanted and whatever you chose, you would excel at it.

The glimmer of hope in your eyes drove him insane. Would it be wrong to kiss you? Had you even kissed someone before? He imagined what your pink lips felt like against his and how your body would melt into his so that your breasts were pressed up against his torso. Within seconds, Atsumu’s thoughts traveled from an innocent kiss to dirtier fantasies. He felt the thing in his pants grow hard as blood rushed downwards. He had to get away from you and that awfully cute face that was inappropriately turning him on in the most inappropriate place.

“Well, it’s pretty scary in America,” Atsumu stated. “If you go, don’t come back. I’d hate to see you turn into somethin’ yer not.”

“And you know what I am...how?” you asked, clearly offended by his accusation.

“Yer a little goody-two-shoes and a suck up,” he taunted. _Shut up, Atsumu,_ he mentally slapped himself. But he couldn’t stop. Being mean to you was like second nature now. “It’s why you won’t date me, right? You have your lame best friend, my ex, to think about and now you suddenly have these big dreams of going to America. Tch, just ‘cause you’re doing well at something, doesn’t make you any less a loser here at the end of the day. America’ll just ruin ya. Yer not cut out for it is what I’m tryna—”

  
_SMACK._ That was certainly one way of getting rid of you. Why did he keep fucking it up with you? Why couldn’t he just tell you that he thought you were dumb pretty, impeccable, and so much better than he would ever be? It drove him crazy. You drove him insane. It stung so much, yet he wanted more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah...toxicity...


	7. Forgiveness (like Patience) is a Virtue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: short and sweet smut :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied LOL there's not much angst in this chapter ><

//2018//

A week passed since your last fight with Atsumu. You pushed your regrets of letting him back in aside and tried your best to please him. He was right. You were both adults and it was time you grew up too. So you made up your mind.

Atsumu was sitting on the couch in your living room flipping through movies to watch. He didn’t bring _that_ topic up since you fought. Actually, he was the perfect boyfriend and you were reminded of all the reasons you loved him. You wanted to laugh at his silly, concentrated expression where he stuck his tongue out between his lips, however, your mind was preoccupied by other plans.

You gingerly made your way in front of him, blocking the TV screen. Atsumu pouted and was going to say something until he saw the intense blush spread across your face. 

“You good, babe?” he asked. 

You let air fill your lungs through your nostril and tried to elongate the silence before exhaling. Without a word, you sat on his lap with your knees situated on either side of him. He held his hands up in surprise as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him. Slowly, Atsumu eased out of his initial shock and soon his hands were in your hair and stroking your back. You were hesitant, but you started rolling your hips into him. Within seconds you felt him growing hard under you and he released a pleasured groan in response.

Atsumu pulled away from your feverish lips to ask, “You sure?”

You didn’t need to think it over anymore. “Yeah, I am.”

+++

//2015//

Things at home were usually quiet for you. You didn’t like Sara, but you saw that your father appeared less tired and had a little more life in his step because of her. So, you tried your best not to be too ungrateful. Still, all this was new to you and overwhelming. It had been just over a year since your mother suddenly left your lives. You weren’t finished processing. 

“How’s the braised egg, (Y/N)?” Sara asked. “Oh, try the pickled ginger! I got it from the nice lady next door. It’s so nice living in a nice neighborhood. Feels like the world’s gettin’ more and more dangerous by the day! Oh, (Y/N), do you not like the soup—”

You dropped your chopsticks from your hands letting them fall to the floor which took your dad and Sara aback as they clattered on the wooden floor. 

“(Y/N)!” you father barked. “This is no way to behave!”

“No, no, no, honey,” Sara attempted to quell your dad’s anger. She scrambled from her seat to you side to pick up the fallen utensil. “It’s okay. I was ramblin’ like I usually do. I’m sorry, (Y/N). I’ll go get you a new pair.” Sara shuffled back into the kitchen leaving you and your father who looked at you with apprehension. In a matter of a moment his expression softened at you. He didn’t say anything more to you and just continued to eat his meal. 

+++

//2019//

You were out at a lovely dinner buffet with Sara. It was some fancy place in Roppongi with stellar chefs and some top class wine to go with it. Sara looked youthful for her age, but thin lines began appearing on her skin. Still, she looked more beautiful than you ever thought you would be at any age.

She sipped the white wine with you and exclaimed, “Mmm! This is so good!”

You giggled at her childish wonder and said, “Yeah, it’s nice.”

“Ya paying fer all this?” Sara joked which alarmed you for a second. “I’m kiddin’! I’m kiddin’! Of course, I’m payin’! I’m the one with the money here! But this is a really great place you chose.”

“Phew,” you sighed as you dramatically swiped your brow. “Yeah, I used to come here with…” You felt the muscles in your face droop as memories of you laughing with Atsumu about random nothings surfaced in your mind.

Sara looked at you compassionately and reached out to hold your hand in her’s. 

“Guys come and go,” she said. “Atsumu was special to you, I get that, but somethings just aren’t meant to last forever.”

You shook your head not wanting _him_ to ruin the mood and took another swig of wine. “You’re right, Sara-san. He’s not worth it.”

“Atta girl!” She smiled at you for a good long moment. “You’re a really kind person, (Y/N). You deserve the world, ya know that?” You blinked at her endearing words, but before you could respond, Sarah jumped from her seat. “Now! Let’s go get some food!” She held out her hand to you and you eagerly jumped with her, ready to stuff yourselves silly with exquisite foods.

+++

//2015//

You were in your room doing homework when there was a gentle knock on your door. It was Sara and you didn’t really feel like letting her in, but you already felt bad enough for what happened at dinner. 

You huffed but still said, “Come in.”

The door cracked open and to no surprise, the woman walked in with some sliced apples. “I come bearing fruit as a sign of truce?” She was definitely a strange woman with a lot of charm. It was no wonder your father liked her so much. Sara wasn’t a bad person, she just wasn’t your mom.

“Can we talk?” she asked kindly. 

“Okay,” you told her. Maybe it was time to make reparations.

+++

//2015//

This was the second time Atsumu had his head parallel to the floor as he folded himself over into a respectful bow. Only this time he was making a show of it in front of everyone in your class. 

“I’M SORRY!” he yelled. You were so embarrassed by him and you were trying to tell him to stop and that it was okay. “NO! It’s not okay! I was and have been a huge jerk to you this whole time! SO...I’M DEEPLY, SO VERY, EXTREMELY SORRY!”

You looked behind you and noticed that an audience had gathered around the windows of your classroom. Amongst the observers you noticed Asami who was standing by Osamu both with very wide eyes and jaws dropped. Atsumu had always been a narcissist and enjoyed being the center of attention, but this was something else. 

“U-um,” you stammered unsure of what to say to make this...not like this. “I-It’s really fine...Atsumu...I’m over it.”

Suddenly the honey haired boy was grabbing you by the shoulders and staring at you with puppy dog eyes. 

“I’ll do anything you tell me for a week!” he announced. He noticed the stack of textbooks you were holding to your chest and pulled them out of your grasp. “Where do you want these, (Y/N)-sama?”

You raised your fingers to massage your temple and decided to give the boy what he wanted. “My desk…”

“YES MA’AM!” He immediately set them down on your desk and stood as straight as a soldier. Miya Atsumu something else for sure and clearly he wasn’t about to leave you alone. Maybe it was okay to entertain him for a while. At least for the time he was willing to try and be better.

+++

//2018//

Your first time wasn’t by any means perfect. The foreplay was embarrassing for you to say the least. You didn’t really realize how many ways someone could make you feel that way. Nor did you know how many ways _he_ knew how to pleasure someone. While it felt strangely amazing, you weren’t sure if it was how you were supposed to feel. Then when Atsumu began pushing himself into you it hurt. Not a lot and not in the way it brought beads of crystal tears to your eyes like it did in those coming-of-age romance novels. Your legs trembled and felt numb the whole time, but Atsumu held and guided you through it the entire way. 

“Hey,” he cooed as his thrusts slowed. “Put your leg up on my hip.” You were panting and your heart was running a mile a minute. With the trembling state you were in, how was he supposed to expect you to do such a thing?

“I-I-I’m not sure if I can move,” you answered breathlessly.

“Here let me help you,” he said as he took your right thigh and lifted it effortlessly over his back. “Good girl.”

“Mmph!” you cried a shaky moan at the adjustment which made Atsumu release a hoarse chuckle.

“Feel good, don’t it?” You bit your lip at his humiliating remark. “Don’t look like that. You’re supposed to feel good.” He kissed your lips chastely as he resumed rocking his hips into yours faster and faster. “You’re so fucking good for me, (Y/N). Fuck…”

Overall, it was nice and you felt almost whole. Loved even.

“Was it okay?” Atsumu asked, still panting from the experience. He was still hovering above your shaking and blushing form. Atsumu pressed kisses into your cheek and then your neck where he left possessive purple marks. “You’re still shaking...Ya cold? Or…” He didn’t want to say it. “Or hurt?”

“Huh?” you let out. You realized the worry written all over his face that was glowing from the sweat. You wanted to reach for your phone and snap a picture of this moment, but instead you laughed. He gave you a quizzical look.

“W-what?” he grunted in frustration.

You winded your fingers into his light locks and pulled him down into a deep kiss. That was enough of an answer for him as he returned the gesture.

“I love you,” he whispered against your lips. “Don’t leave me again. Please.”

You wanted to make that promise to him so bad especially when he sounded so desperate like that. You wanted to forget the past and just relish the moment with him. So, you simply kissed his temple and held his crushing weight to you tightly. You didn’t want to let him go, but there was a nagging sense inside of you that told you this wouldn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAA kinda my first smutty-ish scene >< lmk how i did? or don't...i'm sensitive :c
> 
> on another note, sorry if this chapter was kinda messy for ya ^__^' I just wanted to tie the stepmother thing soon bc sara isn't meant to be a huge part of the plot... so i didn't want to draw it out much longer since we have other things to get to


	8. Invitations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: brief public dirty talk with some degradation, no smut though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for such kind comments! I'm really happy people are enjoying this angsty fic AHAHAHAHA I was worried the time skip snippets were confusing, but I think you guys are okay with it? I hope ^__^" ALSO AAAAA DIDYA GUYS SEE THE NEW HQ EPISODE asdfghjkl; I AM SO IN LOVE WITH ATSUMU AND OSAMU asdfghjkl;;;;; AND WHO LET SUNA LOOK SO GOOD???? AND HIS VOICE?? BAIII. Anywho please enjoy this chapter and next chapter's gonna be 100% ushijima c:< (and please read end notes)

//2015//

It was the day before the Spring Tournament. Everyone at Inarizaki High was buzzing about it and how this was going to be the year that Inarizaki was going to pull a huge first place win. You noticed that Atsumu was surprisingly calm. Suspiciously calm. You watched from a distance as he answered questions with the same confident smile, but when the subject of the conversation changed you saw his face fall briefly. He must have been nervous. 

During your history lesson, the class before your free period, Atsumu didn’t steal your notes or even ask for them which was really weird. Instead, he was writing his own notes! No...You peaked over your shoulder discreetly and saw him drawing lines, circles, and arrows. It was a diagram. 

He must have felt you stare and you jumped a little in your little seat when his honey eyes met yours. You pretended like you weren’t looking, but you knew you were totally caught red-handed. You think you hear him chuckle softly, but didn’t tease you like you expected he would. Atsumu just went back to his notebook and drew various battle plans. 

You knew a little bit about volleyball. You used to shyly ask one of the boys on the volleyball team about it. He always answered your question with succinctness and brevity. It made you laugh at how obvious you used to be and how thick-headed he was to not have noticed.

+++

Feeling stuffy, you decided to take a break from studying on your off period and take a walk around campus. You let your feet move one in front of the other unconsciously. You thought back on your days back before Inarizaki when things felt a little more normal than now. 

All this buzz about volleyball made you recall watching your first match. How you felt weird standing with your friends who somehow already knew all the chants and cues that went with them. The boy you had a crush on was a second year, but you had the opportunity to meet him at an event for students who were boarding at Shiratorizawa. You hadn’t seen the star player since you left Shiratorizawa, but often saw him on volleyball headlines. The biggest one recently was Shiratorizawa’s loss to a no-name school called Karasuno which even made you frown in disappointment. Shiratorizawa would not be attending Nationals this year.

“Nice toss, Atsumu!” you heard someone shout their encouragement before the loud sound went off like a bomb against the ground. 

You snapped out of your thoughts and realized you had come all the way to the school gym. The doors were wide open and your eyes immediately went to Atsumu who was completely focused on the ball. His hands were up in the air as he set the ball far and high for a long spike before his identical twin smashed it down.

“You looking for someone?” someone said behind you. It was Suna Rintarou. He was in the same class as Asami and Osamu. All of whom were ranked in the top twenty at your school. He was also pretty popular for being talented at volleyball.

“Um, no,” you replied. “I was just passing by.”

“(Y/N)!” you twitched when Atsumu yelled your name. You turned and saw that he was already leaning down right in front of you with a childish smile on his face. “Ya come to see me or somethin’?”

“N-no!” you stuttered your defense. “I was just on a walk! Honest!” Your defense probably sounded so weak with the blush on your face even though you weren’t even lying.

“Rintarou,” Atsumu addressed his friend. “Practice some hits with ‘Samu for a bit, yeah? I’ll be back in a sec.”

Suna seemed pretty unresponsive for a second before finally saying, “Sure.”

Atsumu watched the other player take his time making his way into the gym before returning his gaze back to you. You shift uncomfortably under Atsumu’s gaze. 

“I-I’ll go,” you said but just as you were about to turn around, Atsumu stopped you.

“(Y/N),” he called out. Your eyes met each other’s and you saw how intensely serious he was. “Would you come to Tokyo for our game tomorrow?”

“Huh!?” you exclaimed. 

Atsumu chuckled as if he expected that kind of response from you. “Then, if we win tomorrow...Let me take you out. On a date.”

The fact he still wanted to date you was incredulous. Was he ever going to stop? Although, you had to admire his persistence. Would it be bad to give him a chance? Maybe you’d given him a hard enough time as is. In fact, you struck the boy straight across his face a week ago and never apologized! Maybe you owed him something for that.

“Okay,” you told him. You watched Miya’s expression go blank from the shock. Evidently, he didn’t expect you to say yes. “But.” He frowned at the sound of the condition. 

“But what?” he asked.

“I don’t care if you win,” you told him. “Just do your best.”

You didn’t get to see his expression after what you said because you pivoted on your feet to avoid seeing him. There was only another half hour left of free period anyways. You had to get back to the library.

+++

//2018//

“You’re finally makin’ it to one of my matches!” Atsumu cheered. “Lemme introduce you to my team and friends and if we win tonight, let’s all go party together! Or...even if we lose...let’s still party! But I’m gonna win!”

You sighed at Atsumu’s declaration. 

“Eh?” Atsumu let out. “Don’t be like that, (Y/N). I heard it all from Asami that you’re a fucking party animal in college. You two were sneaking around and getting into clubs and bars with fake IDs as first years, no? I heard you had a little record of how many guys you made out with in a night too.” Heat rose to your face when he leaned down right into your ear to whisper, “Didn’t know my girlfriend could be a little slut like that. Maybe I should punish you for each man you kissed that one night. Seven, was it? Should I edge you seven times in a row or make you cum seven times and have you crying before I—”

“‘Hey, hey, hey!” a loud voice boomed through the hallway saving you from your sorry state of mind. Atsumu always had a dirty mouth in bed and for some twisted reason you enjoyed it. He was also beyond unfair and took you nearly whenever he wanted, not that you complained a whole lot about it. But to make you so flustered right before his game? In public? In front of his teammates?

“Hey Bokuto!” Atsumu greeted his white haired teammate.

“Hm?” a dark haired man came up beside you and glared down at you with such astringency that you couldn’t even scream. “Who are you? And why are you all red? Do you have a fever? Did you take your flu shot? Atsumu, you should know better than to bring a sick person into the stadium.”

“Whoa there, Omi-omi!” Atsumu came between the two of you as a mediator. “This is my girlfriend, (Y/N). She’s not sick, she’s just hot. It is summer after all. (Y/N), this is Sakusa! He’s all set and on his way to becoming this year’s college MVP!”

“H-hi!” you stammered and bowed.

“Hmph,” Sakusa didn’t seem to even want to bother with you. “If you’re kissing Atsumu, then I’d better stay away from him today too. Try to keep your sets far and long for me today.”

“Like that’s in my control!” Atsumu snapped at Sakusa.

You looked up at the three giant men all of whom could easily use their strength against you. You’d always been small, but Japan was a nation of small people so you never felt intimidated by anyone because of their height. Suddenly, you felt like you were amongst gods and monsters.

It was nerve-wracking to know that the cameras might be on you today. Watching from seats and screens from inside the stadium and people’s homes. Atsumu didn’t seem to care much. He was so used to attention and even welcomed it. If anything, he looked stoked to show you off to the world and you weren’t sure how you felt about that.

“(Y/N)?” Atsumu called out to you in a gentle tone. “C’mon sweetie, we’re gonna start soon. Let’s not keep the world waitin’ for us.” His hand was stretched out in front of him as an invitation for you to take it. You estimated that you had three seconds to make your decision.

  
+++

//2018//

“Fuck him,” Asami told you. “Seriously fuck him. He was always unfair to you back in our third year too and you guys were constantly on and off back then too. Fuck him.”

Asami’s harsh and repetitive curses weren’t exactly helping your messy, pitiful, sobbing state. He was your first real relationship. Your first everything and you did still have feelings for him, but you couldn’t do it anymore. Or could you? Was it too late to ask for him back? You’re the one who ended it. Or was it him? Did it matter? It was over, but how long was it over for? Forever?

“(Y/N),” Asami placed her hands on your shoulders. “You deserve better than him. And I mean  _ way _ better. You go to one of the best universities in the country. You’re easy on the eyes. You come from a good family. You crying over a breakup is so unlike you!” Your nose twitched as you sniffled and wiped the tears with a tissue. 

“I just…” your voice was weak and Asami could see how hurt and broken you were. “I think I love him, but…” You buried your face into your knees and started helplessly whimpering. 

“This is insanity!” Asami cried. She shook you by your shoulder. “I won’t tolerate this (Y/N)! We’re going out.”

“Asami, I just broke up with—”

“It’s been a week.”

You fell quiet. Had it really been a week since his match in Tokyo? Had time flown by that quickly?

“Come on, (Y/N),” Asami whined. “It’s been ages since I’ve been out with my best friend. Let’s live tonight and regret it tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS!!!  
> I want to mention here that I have read the manga, so I know how things happen. I will try my best to keep spoilers out of the story, but if there is one I'll put a big warning in the summary! I've written a few chapters ahead and I don't make any clear spoilers, so it should be safe! Just wanted to let you all know~
> 
> Anyways, I left out the time between Atsumu telling you to come with him to the match and Asami telling you to go clubbing because well... :P but the event that takes place between those two scenes is basically why you broke up with him and what's gonna bring you back to that club where you meet Ushijima~ soooooo hope you guys are excited to see Ushi next chapter!!!


	9. Ushiwaka's Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: bad habits and coping mechanisms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pertaining to the warning in the summary...I can't stop you from doing some of these things because that would make me a hypocrite... but uh...LOL you do you friends   
> Also, I've been pretty good about updating daily because I usually write a few chapters in advance, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that tomorrow. I have the chapters planned out, but I got a big headache today that just put me out so I wanna catch up with that before putting out more stuff!
> 
> AAAANNYWAYS, here's the big Ushijima chapter~ It's pretty fluffy and cute imo :3

//2018//

Ushijima Wakatoshi at a club was a pretty rare sight. He was down to go to bars and have drinks with his friends and teammates, but he was hardly seen out at parties. It just wasn’t his thing and made him feel out of place. So, Ushijima had no idea how he let Hoshiumi convince him to come out that night, but the little man did it.

It was a weird experience. Hoshiumi kept egging him on to drink more and more, but Ushijima was expectedly a heavy weight and hardly felt a buzz by his third shot of...whatever his white-haired friend gave him. Not nearly drunk enough, Ushijima refused when Hoshiumi tried dragging him out onto the dancefloor and chose to stay near the bar. 

“Hey there!” Ushijima heard someone say in his direction. It was a woman who was dressed in a tight-fitted black dress. She was tall for a Japanese woman, but thin and curvaceous at the same time. Her proportions seemed exaggerated and dare-he-say...unnatural? Nonetheless, she was pretty. The woman, believing that Ushijima’s wandering eyes were checking her out, got up on the tips of her toes and leaned into his ear to say, “I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere. You a celebrity or something?”

“Not quite,” Ushijima replied, trying to be loud enough over the music. The woman frowned at his response and he was confused as to why she did so.

“Then could I get a name, handsome?” she tried again.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

“Ushiwaka!?” her eyes glistened with the flashing of the lights. “From Schweiden Adlers?  _ That _ Ushiwaka?”

“Yeah,” Ushijima answered bluntly.

“I’m a huge volleyball fan!” she exclaimed. “I used to play up until the beginning of high school, but you know...grades and stuff didn’t let me get very far with that!”

“I see,” Ushijima looked off to the side to look for Hoshiumi. Ushijima didn’t really want to talk about volleyball that night. Rather, he didn’t want to be Ushiwaka for a while. Being a pro-athlete was his passion and all, but he didn’t really enjoy the limelight that it came with. Signing autographs, taking pictures with strangers, and now this? It was all just a little...out of his comfort zone.

The woman was saying something about how she always looked up his spikes from a young age, but Ushijima couldn’t quite focus on her words.

“Sorry,” Ushijima suddenly said to her. “I don’t really feel like chatting about volleyball right now. I also need to go find a friend. Excuse me.”

“O-oh,” she appeared dejected. He didn’t mean to hurt her. He just didn’t feel like talking. “Okay then.” Not feeling the need to address her any further, Ushijima walked into the crowd on the dance floor.

He spotted the bright white hair first, but then he saw the profile of someone very familiar. 

“(Y/N)?” he asked.

“U-Ushijima?” you cried and suddenly your arms were around him. Unsure how to properly react, he just put a hand on your back. “I haven’t seen you since...God, since I left Shiratorizawa!”

“Yeah,” he nodded. 

“Guess, I’ll go,” Hoshiumu muttered before disappearing back into a sea of people.

You tapped Ushijima’s shoulder and beckoned him to come down and lend you his ear. He did as you wanted and felt your hand touch the ends of his olive hair which sent a nice tingle down his spine.

“Wanna go outside with me?” you asked him. “I kinda wanna buy some water and smoke.”

“...I don’t smoke.” He was honestly a little put off by your request, but also intrigued.

“Not for  _ you _ , silly,” you laughed into his ear. “I’m not gonna make a pro-athlete smoke. But just come out with me, would you? I don’t wanna go out alone.”

Ushijima thought about it. You told him that you weren’t trying to make him smoke. What was the harm? This was just two old schoolmates.

“Sure.”

As you walked out of the club, several hands reached out to grab and pull you into different areas. Ushijima quickly ripped those desperate hands off of you with one of his own as the other grasped onto your much smaller hand while you led the way. He assumed you must have been pretty drunk considering you didn’t seem to have any sense of the jungle-like environment filled with intoxicated predators reaching out for their prey. Finally, the two of you made it outside and the fresh air was remarkably sobering.

You fell quiet but still held onto his hand. He let you guide him to the convenience store where you picked up a bottle of cheap sake (instead of water), a pack of cigarettes, and a lighter. You were silent. He remembered you were quiet back in your school days too. You stood out to teachers and peers with grades. You might not have been popular, but you were well-liked and respected.

+++

//2014//

Ushijima and his friend, Tendou, were being excused from class early that day to go to Tokyo for a friendly match against Itachiyama. While his expression might not have shown it, Ushijima was rather excited for this particular showdown between him and another top ranking ace. 

“Bet you can’t wait to see, Sakusa-kun,” his red headed counterpart stated. “Right, Wakatoshi-kun?”

“He’s a formidable player,” Ushijima responded blatantly, which Tendou merely smirked at. Ushijima was neither cocky nor humble. He was just honest. 

The two walked through the large and sparkling hallways of their elite school when a girl walked out of her classroom. Ushijima recognized her as you and you looked like you were in distress. Typically, you would greet him with a soft flush across your cheeks. However, you seemed off that day. Even someone like Ushijima saw it. You didn’t say anything. You didn’t even look at him. You just walked in the direction of the principal’s office. 

The next day at school, you disappeared quite completely. Within the subsequent days that followed, news spread that your mother had passed actually a while before. Nobody knew about it. Not even your friends. You had kept it under wraps until you were suddenly swept out of school to move to Hyogo prefecture. After that, Ushijima hadn’t seen or heard from you since.

+++

//2018//

Ushijima liked the silence you allowed him as you drank and smoked. He hated the smell though. Maybe he should tell you that smoking was a bad habit and you should stop.

As if you read his mind, you told him, “Don’t worry. I don’t usually smoke. It’s just a thing my friends and I do when we’re drunk.”

“I see,” Ushijima stated, not really understanding why people would do such a thing. 

You turned your head and looked at him with a smirk. “Do you wanna try?” You offered the burning white stick with the right end pointed at his mouth. Curiosity got the best of him when his large hands came up to grab, but you whisked it away from him and bent over laughing.

“AHAHAHA! Sorry!” you wailed in amusement. “I couldn’t do that to you, Ushijima-san! I’d get in so much trouble if people found out! I’m not really interested in getting on your fans’ bad sides. I’ve had enough of shit like that from Atsumu. Nice to see that you’ve got a bad streak in you though!”

That’s right, you were dating Miya Atsumu. 

“How is Atsumu?” Ushijima asked. You froze and the smile from your face fell. You didn’t look at him and just picked up the sake bottle. He watched in alarment as you chugged flames down your throat.

“O-oi!” Ushijima reached out his hands to stop you from finishing it too soon. You were already pretty tipsy and he could tell. Luckily, he caught you before the halfway point but your mind was already gone.

“LET’S GO!” you shouted as you jumped up and threw your half-smoked cigarette to the ground and stomped on it. You grabbed Ushijima’s hand again and he just blinked up at you, but he didn’t really want to question what you had in mind. You were being unpredictable and nothing like what he remembered you as. It was...entertaining and cute.

Ushijima once again let himself be dragged around by you inside the club. He watched as you tried to steal drinks from people’s tables and took drinks that random men offered you along with poor kisses. Feeling that was probably not a good idea after the first two glasses of champagne you downed, he started removing cups from your hand and tossing the liquid on the already soiled floor of the club. Occasionally you would delusionally tell him you couldn’t drink anymore and shove cups into his face which he did in fact drink for you. He was doing anything to keep from you completely losing control or getting into trouble. Not that he minded at all. 

When he did start to mind was when someone grabbed you by your waist and started shoving his tongue into your mouth. Just as he thought it might be best to leave you, your grip on his hand tightened. Something possessive came over Ushijima as he pushed the strange man off of you and brought you into his arms. You were totally unaware of what was happening and so just gave him a drunken but innocent giggle. It was no wonder Atsumu liked you. You were ridiculously adorable.

“Are you okay, (Y/N)?” he asked you. Without thinking, Ushijima tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and started playing with your soft locks. 

You stared at him for a second and shook your head, “Not really, but you’re here so I’m happy.”

Did he take too many drinks for you? Was there something in one of those cups? A drug? He was suddenly envious of every man who got the opportunity to kiss you that night. 

“(Y/N)! There you are!” another woman with dark hair and light eyes approached you. She was, by traditional means, very beautiful. Still, Ushijima kept his eyes on you. 

“Asami!” you cheered and hugged her with your one free arm while still holding Ushijima near you. “You’re so pretty!”

“No, (Y/N), you’re so pretty!” Asami yelled back. So, this is what girls were like when they were drunk.

“Oh stop! I’m not! If I were as pretty as you, Atsumu and I wouldn’t fight and we wouldn’t break up and he wouldn’t be such an asshole to me!”

“Stop that shit, (Y/N)! It’s such a turn off and you have a total hunk behind you too! Go home with him!”

“Nonono! This is Ushijima-san! We’re just old friends!”

“Ushi-what-a?”

“U-SHI-JI-MA!”

“OH! Ushiwaka! Your middle school crush, right?”

“NO!” Ushijima jumped slightly at your shriek. “Ushijima! He doesn’t like being called Ushiwaka!”

“How would you know that?”

“I...don’t!” Ushijima suppressed a chuckle at your response. 

“Do you want him gone?” Asami asked. Ushijima pleaded inside his head for you to say no. Unfortunately, before you could answer, Asami had her lips on yours. Ushijima deadpanned and his mouth dropped. There weren’t a lot of things in life that could shock him like that, but two girls kissing like they were lovers sure did it. He wasn’t sure if he should let you go or let you keep kissing your friend. Girlfriend? Girl...friend. Friend? Girlfriend. Girls could be in love with each other, right? It was a progressive world. Ushijima’s brain was to the brim with back and forth questions when Asami finally pulled away from you and Ushijima let himself breathe again.

“Is he gone?” she asked. She looked behind your shoulder and frowned. “He’s still there! Should we do it again?” It was then Ushijima realized they had a system.

“No, stupid!” you yelled. “But that kiss was better than anyone I made out with tonight so thanks!”

“Oh, anytime! Oop—I told a really hot guy that I’d go home with him and he’s coming out of the bathroom right now! You gonna be okay with this guy?”

“What the hell are you still doing with me, Asami? GO! LEAVE! I’m fine!”

Once Asami had run off into the arms of some guy, you turned and faced Ushijima. He was going to ask to...dance with you or something until he saw you had big tears streaming down your face. 

“U-U-Ushijima,” you sobbed, “nobody loves me! I’m never going to be loved again! And I’m such a burden to everyone I meet and now I’m all alone! I know you’re here right now, but you’re gonna leave me too because you’re all big and famous! And it’s okay if you leave! I’m not worth it anyways! Atsumu always said I was too much for him to handle! And it makes me mad that he’s right!” 

“I don’t—” you cut him off.

“You might as well leave me on the curb and let some gang pick me up to harvest my organs to sell to the Black Market in China!” 

You continued crying and ranting. While you appeared like you were just whining like a baby, the words you were saying seemed to come from a place of genuine hurt. Wanting you to stop feeling this way, Ushijima leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. He felt you move with him and he pulled you in closer. Just when he experimentally slipped his tongue into the kiss, you fell limp in his arms. 

+++

  
  


Your bed was empty. It was just you, your pillows, and your sheets. You and Atsumu moved a lot between Tokyo and Osaka when you could when you  _ were _ dating. Especially on the weekends. It was Sunday already, so you should have woken up with him at your side. 

What even happened? Last night? This past week? Why was your head hurting so fucking much?

“Oh, you’re awake,” came a shockingly deep voice.

You screeched at the top of your lungs out of fear. What had you done? Better question... _ who _ had you done?

Ushijima walked out from the bathroom with wet hair and a towel draped around his neck. He was also dressed in Atsumu’s t-shirt and shorts that he had left behind for you to wear. You blushed and were visibly freaked out.

“We didn’t do anything,” Ushijima reassured. “I slept on the couch too.” He pointed at the sofa that had a pink fleece blanket on it that was probably way too small for a big guy like him. It was too tiny for Atsumu too. “I just didn’t really know how I could leave you and your door doesn’t lock on its own. Hope you don’t mind I used your shower too...And borrowed these clothes.”

You sighed in relief and thanked him before nervously asking, “Did I...do anything embarrassing or uncomfortable?”

“Mmm,” Ushijima hummed and each second he took only heightened your anxiety. “You didn’t make any moves on me, but you did drag me around while you kissed a bunch of strangers. I think you made out with your girl...friend as well...uh… Asami?” You buried your head in your hands and groaned.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It was actually quite funny,” Ushijima stated in a way that was not all reassuring. “It was fun until Asami left with another guy and you started crying. You kept saying you were going to die alone and that no one wanted you. That I should just leave you on the street to be kidnapped, killed, and then have your organs harvested to be sent to the Chinese Black Market.” How was this getting worse and worse?

“I...am...soooo...sorry.” You laughed sheepishly. “Atsumu always said I was a lot...He wasn’t wrong...

Ushijima raised his hand to stop you from going on. “No need to apologize. Personally, I had a good time overall.” You gave Ushijima the kind of look that said ‘I am disgusted with myself.’ He sat down back on the bed with an ever blank expression and you gave him a puzzled look. Then he spoke bluntly but honestly,

“I don’t think you’re a lot. I think you’re hurt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEEE I love Ushijima sm! Yes, he did kind of lie to poor Reader that nothing happened between them when he did kiss her. I'll get more into his mindset later on but... AAAAAAA I wish someone treated me like Ushijima does here T^T


	10. His Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAA Thank you thank you all so much for commenting and reading~ I'm so happy you guys really liked the Ushi chapter!!! Anyways back to our regularly programmed toxic atsumu angst~

//2018//

“(Y/N)?” Atsumu called out to you in a gentle tone. “C’mon sweetie, we’re gonna start soon. Let’s not keep the world waitin’ for us.” His hand was stretched out in front of him as an invitation for you to take it. 

At first, Atsumu didn’t think anything was wrong, but he should have noticed your reluctance earlier before dragging himself into this mess. He was just happy you took his hand and let him assist you to your seat where people eyed the two of you curiously. Atsumu was blinded by the excitement of finally being seen with his girlfriend. 

He should have seen it when you shied away from the kiss he wanted to place on your cheek. Instead he opted to give you a short side hug before running back down to the court where he could see the crowd cheering for him and his team. This was his life and this was where he belonged. He looked into the stands to see you watching him with glittering eyes. If only he knew then that those weren’t eyes of pride, but panic. 

The match began with his serve. Over the years, Atsumu had honed in on his jump float serves. He obsessively made them faster, stronger, and harder to receive. However now that he was moving up in the volleyball world, his opponents were becoming more skilled. The challenge was thrilling and kept pushing him further. 

“The first service ace goes to Miya Atsumu!” the announcer reported. Atsumu smiled and squeezed his fist in a prideful pose. Curious to see your reaction, he looked up into the stands. Atsumu quickly scanned the area around your seat. Had you gone to the restroom? Did he miss something? He swore he brought you to your seat. Had he not? Atsumu’s heart shattered and heat rose to his cheeks as he quickly had to realize that you were gone.

“Atsumu!” he heard Sakusa snap. “It’s still your serve.”

“Huh?” Atsumu let out. “Oh. Right. Sorry.”

Setters are the brains and heart of the game in volleyball. He was the center of it all. The essential piece that connected the team together, but you made him fall apart that day. 

+++

//2015//

“(Y/N)-chan!” Atsumu said your name as he trailed behind you like a puppy dog. Since when did he add a suffix to your name? “(Y/N)-chan, did you watch my match on TV? Didya see me? My serves? My sets? Can I take you on a date? You said if I played my best and I think very much did—”

You turned around and glared at him. You almost regretted making this stupid wager with him. Now, final exam season was close and you really wanted to end up in the top five. There wasn’t any time for you to do something like go on a date. You hadn’t even been on a date before! 

“Sorry, Atsumu,” you apologized. “Could we talk about this after exams are over?”

Atsumu pouted and whined, “But you said—”

“Yeah. I know what I said...I just didn’t realize the end of the year was so soon and I can’t afford to falter now.”

“Then...A study date!” Atsumu proposed. “We can go to a nice cafe and I’ll buy ya coffee and cake! I promise I won’t bother you too much. We’ll just study! Besides, I could use some help...I’ve dropped a few rankings because of Nationals. My mom’s on my ass about it so, I could seriously use yer help.”

You softened up your expression a little and pondered his offer for a bit. 

“Fine,” you said which made his eyes sparkle with excitement. He looked really cute and it made you crack a smile. “How about this Saturday?”

“Yes!” he said with fervor. “I’ll meet ya at the station at… 11a.m.?”

“We’re just studying,” you reaffirmed. “Right?”

“Why? Didya wanna do somethin’ else?” Atsumu gave you a sly and suggestive smirk. Amused with your flustered and angered expression, Atsumu let out a childlike chuckle. “I’m just messin’ with ya, (Y/N). Just studying. Promise!”

“Fine,” you agreed.

“Give me your phone,” Atsumu requested as he stuck out his large palm. You pouted before taking out your phone, unlocking it, and placing it in his hand. You tried to observe him inputting his contact but he hissed at you and held the phone over his own head and out of your reach.

“Hey!” you snapped. “What gives!”

He put on his concentration face with his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth. It was really cute and made small tingles spread throughout you. He called himself so to have your number in his phone, and gave you yours back. You snatched it back from him a little too aggressively and scrolled through your contacts to see his contact. When did he take a picture of himself? Why was his contact name _Tsumutsumu?_ Before you could ask him about it in a scolding tone, he took a picture of you with his phone. 

“There!” he said. “All set!” He showed you your contact picture on his phone which was you frowning down at your phone with a flushed face.

“H-hey that’s a bad photo!” you protested.

“Huh?” he looked back at the picture and back at you. “I think it’s pretty cute.”

You whined at him to change it, but he just kept saying no. 

“I’m serious, (Y/N)!” Atsumu continued to defend himself. “It’s really cute. Yer really cute. I mean that.”

Unable to handle more of his blushing frustration, you groaned and marched off to class.

“Wait up!” he cried as he rushed to your side while laughing. Feeling he was too close to you, you shoved him a little to the side which he also laughed at. Miya Atsumu was one stubborn guy.

+++

//2018//

“YOU LEFT!” Atsumu hollered at you. “HOW COULD YOU LEAVE? WITHOUT LEAVING A VOICE MESSAGE? OR A TEXT? WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS? JUST FIND OUT I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG? OR THAT YOU COULDN’T HANDLE A LITTLE PUBLICITY? ARE YA STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL OR SOMETHIN’?”

You and Atsumu fought a number of times. A lot of these fights ranged from play fighting where Atsumu would suddenly yell out of nowhere and calm down the next second. Some of these fights escalated into near screaming like it did that day. Just… this seemed like a breaking point.

You cowered at the sound of his voice as he went on. 

“DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HUMILIATED I WAS TODAY ON THE COURT? I’VE NEVER PLAYED WORSE OUT THERE. YOU THREW ME COMPLETELY OFF TODAY!”

He was right, it was your fault. 

“I’m sorry,” you muttered.

“SORRY?” Atsumu shouted in disbelief. “THAT’S ALL YOU CAN FUCKING SAY, RIGHT? SORRY! STAND UP FOR YERSELF, WOULDYA! MAKE THIS AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT INTERESTING! I’M SUFFOCATING HERE, (Y/N). I DON’T KNOW WHAT YA WANT FROM ME EVER. I DO THIS AND IT’S NOT ENOUGH. I DO ANOTHER THING AND IT’S WRONG. HOW CAN I SATISFY LITTLE MISS-I-GO-TO-A-MOTHERFUCKIN’-TOP-FIVE-SCHOOL! WHAT’S THE POINT OF GOING TO SUCH A NICE SCHOOL WHEN YOU HAVE NO FUCKIN’ IDEA WHAT YOU’RE EVEN DOING?”

Atsumu abruptly stopped his unfiltered and unhinged monologue when tears started spilling out your eyes in a way that was beyond your control. Your breath was stuck in your throat. It was like that time you fainted in high school all over again. Your heart was pounding in a way it was hurting you and made you fall to the floor. Atsumu huffed out curses as he turned around so to face away from you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he yelled. “I can’t fuckin’ do this anymore, (Y/N). You made it clear back at the stadium that you don’t want me. Hell, you hardly even tell me that you love me. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even want to touch me. I’ll make this easy for ya and get out of your pretty hair _._ I can’t make this work if you’re not willing to make compromises with me. You’re always asking so much of me when you’re nowhere near perfect either.”

You knew he was looking down on you and for the first time you were actually scared of Atsumu. 

“Go find a therapist or something,” Atsumu practically spat. He rushed past you to the door. A few seconds passed as he struggled to angrily pull his shoes on and slammed your door shut. You sank further into the floor with your face buried in your hands. His words burned into mind. He hadn’t even given you a chance to speak. But...Maybe this was for the best. Maybe this was what you wanted. You wanted him to leave you himself, but it was restlessly silent. You didn’t know how to deal with this. No one made you this overwhelmed. It was sick how he made you believe that this was how love was supposed to be. Or was it your fault? You didn’t know anymore. Nothing made sense anymore.

+++

The second the night air hit Atsumu’s face, he felt an unbearable sense of guilt and torment. However, it was too late to turn back and gather you back in his arms. He wanted so bad to run back into your tiny studio apartment and cry with you. Tell you he loves you more than anything in this world because he did. 

What’s done is done though. He had done the damage and there was no going back. 

The rest of his team was asleep in their seats on the train ride to Osaka. They tried for a while to console him, but he swatted all of their attempts away bitterly. Once he was sure they were all down, Atsumu had to bite back his own tears at the memory of your panicked and hurt face. He didn’t mean to go that far. Did he? God, he was finally free from you yet you were still plaguing his mind. Atsumu had to admit it to himself. He was obsessed with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...we love emotional manipulation...


	11. Bet Ya Can't Stay Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone~ Sorry I might be a little MIA this week! I just got a wisdom tooth pulled and have to go back for another extraction eeekk. I am in pain T^T I also suddenly have shitty adult stuff to do urfgerhaoeigh LOLOL
> 
> On a bright note...This fic already has 1000+ hits and like WOW that was fast. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! I know the 2015/2018 timelines are a bit confusing so if you wanna learn more about why they are the way they are please refer to the end notes~ anyways, if it's still too confusing for a vast majority, I can go back make those edits!
> 
> ANYWHOOOO I think we've hit around the half way point??? I think? Give or take a few~ :3 ENJOYYY

//2015//

Saturday rolled around pretty quickly. Atsumu had arrived a few minutes early to the station, eagerly hoping you’d be the type to be punctual. Osamu had picked on him about being too excited in the morning and that while it was good to respect someone’s time, desperacy was a sad look. After throwing the house slippers at his twin and his mother scolding them for being rowdy, Atsumu still managed to arrive five minutes early.

At precisely 11 o’clock, Atsumu looked up and around to see...nothing. Was he being stood up right now? 11:01… Atsumu was getting pretty impatient. How could  _ he, _ Miya Atsumu, the best high school setter, get stood up? 

“Sorry!” The refreshing feeling of forgiveness washed over him as he heard the sound of your voice. He watched curiously as you made your way up from the escalators of the subway station. 

You looked really nice. School uniforms and all were a look, but it was hard to see people’s true colors sometimes. So this chance to see you out of uniform was really charming to Atsumu. The thing that stood out to him the most though was the presence of your backpack and a tote bag with thin books in it.

“It’s fine,” Atsumu assured. “I wasn’t waitin’ too long for ya. Where you comin’ from anyways? Do you live far? I coulda gone to you instead of makin’ ya take the train.”

“Oh, no,” you responded. “I was coming back from my piano lesson.”

“HUH?” Atsumu exclaimed. “You play piano? Since when? Why didn’t I know?”

“Whoa there,” you laughed. “I’ve been playing since I was like three and you never asked so I never told you. It’s not really something I brag about since...” He noticed you stop yourself. “Nevermind. I actually haven’t been playing too much lately.”

“Well, let’s chat more about it over our date,” Atsumu smirked.

“ _ Study _ date,” you reminded him, putting extra emphasis on the word  _ study _ .

“Mmhm!” he nodded with a stupidly happy face.

+++

The cafe was pretty. It was new and spacious with greenery garnishing the inside in a ruly but lovely way. At first you insisted that you pay for your own drink, but Atsumu was sly and tricked you into letting him pay somehow. He certainly was a seasoned dater which made you a little insecure.

The two of you patiently waited for drinks with the buzzer set between you two. You were shifting in your seat scared to make contact with his brown eyes that seemed to all too satisfied with your awkward behavior.

Atsumu initiated the conversation. “So...Piano, huh?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Since you were a kid?”

“Yeah.”

“Were you...er...are you serious about it?”

“Mmm. I used to be. Back at my old school I used to play accompanist for the orchestra. Sometimes I played at competitions and did recitals.”

“Why dontya do that at our school?”

“The spot’s already filled. Besides, I didn’t think I was all that welcome at Inarizaki.”

“Oh.” Atsumu felt guilty again. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make your life a living hell.”

“It’s fine.” you said. “Or it’s not, but you’re making it up to me now. You also ran me to hospital that one time, so I owe you one for that.”

Atsumu grinned at your response. "Pretty heroic of me, huh?" You just rolled your eyes at him in exasperation which only made his smile grow wider. Thus far, he had only seen the side of you that despised him when in actuality you were actually quite sweet. He figured you were always protecting yourself, but seeing you out like this and alone with him showed another side of you. Seeing you a little nervous and fidgety under his gaze, made him giddy. You were proving to be as fun to sit down with as you were to chase. 

“So, when do I get to hear ya play?”

“Never.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I stopped competing and performing last year.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I didn’t feel like doing it anymore.”

He wanted to ask more questions about this secret passion of yours but the buzzer had incredibly horrible timing and went off. 

“I’ll get it,” you insisted, rising from your seat before he could even stop you. No matter how fast he was, Atsumu would always struggle to really catch you.

+++

//2018//

It was the end of the year. The weather was cold and snow had piled up on the sidewalks of the street. The roads were icy, but the festive feeling gave you warmth. It had been months since your break up with Atsumu and you started really recovering from the aftermath of your horrendous breakup. He hadn’t called or texted and you did the same. Although you wished to find closure with him and settle things on neutral terms, you were glad he wasn’t there anymore. You were happy and free.

Something you did think about often was Ushijima. You weren’t sure what happened that night at the club, but you trusted that he told you everything you needed to know. Ushijima, after all, did not seem like the type to take advantage of people and was really kind to you all night and morning. However, he didn’t contact you afterwards. He just made sure you were alright and left. Maybe you did burden him. Maybe you did make him uncomfortable. Apparently you sobbed pathetically about Atsumu. Of course that would make someone want to leave you. 

_ Ugh!  _ You groaned inwardly at the thought of you being utterly cringey the entire night to your middle school crush.

“(Y/N)-san,” the producer called out to you. “You’re on in five.”

“Right, thanks,” you smiled.

It was the end of the year and your school was hosting a holiday, year-end concert. You were to be one of the piano soloists along as accompanist for a few other quartets and quintets. The violin and piano duo before you were playing Tchaikovsky’s “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” It was a bit of a cliché to you, but you supposed your selection wasn’t all that much better to those who knew it. 

While you waited for your turn backstage, your thoughts travelled back to the years ago when you first told Atsumu about piano. How he begged you to play for him. Begged you to tell him why you ceased to play. How he idiotically blurted out something about your deceased mother and how you ran away from him. How he brought you back to the stage and piano seat. In a way, you had to thank him. 

You bowed to your audience, the bright lights making it difficult to spot your family and friends in the crowd. It was better that way though. Seeing everyone out there was always intimidating for you. You let the applause fizzle out as you prepared yourself with your wrists curled elegantly over the keys. Frederic Chopin’s Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2. You didn’t even need to look at the sheet music to play this song. It was your mom’s favorite piece and she always told you that you played it well. 

It was a gentle song. Melodious, whimsical, and delicate with twists and turns your mother always made look simple. You always wanted to play like her and you hoped you did.

+++

“That was beautiful!” Sara yelled as she stuffed your arms with a flamboyant bouquet of flowers. Asami handed you a simple red rose and gave you a hug as your father scrambled to get his phone for a picture but was busy wiping his tears. The song must’ve reminded him of her too.

“You played wonderfully,” your father whispered to you after he managed to snag a photo of the girls. You smiled at him gratefully. “She would be proud.” 

“Now, how about dinner?” Sara interjected politely. “Asami, you come too! On us! We made reservations, but I’m sure they’ll squeeze another one of ya in!”

“Can I?” Asami jumped up in excitement.

“I’m going to change out of this dress and I’ll meet you guys out in the reception hall,” you told them. You rushed backstage and rummaged through the pile of bags and shoes to find your belongings until you caught something out of your periphery. Light blonde hair. Brown eyes.

This wasn’t happening right now.

+++

  
  


//2015//

“Ah, I get it now!” Atsumu said. “Wow, (Y/N), ya ever think about being a teacher?” Atsumu had been stuck over the same math problem for the past ten minutes, so you decided to help him out a little.

“Not really,” you replied.

“Then, dontcha got any dreams?”

“Not as of now…I just want to go to a good school and make my family proud.”

“Then what about when you were younger?”

“I guess the last thing I wanted to be was a pianist, but–”

“Then you gotta play for an audience again!”

“Ah...No way.”

Atsumu put on a pensive look and put two fingers under his chin. “Then, let’s make a deal. If I beat you at exams, then you’ll play for me.”

“I—”

“Not for an audience or anythin’ since you seem so weird about it, so, just fer me, yeah?”

“Heh,” you scoffed. “Like you could actually beat me. I’ll cut you a little slack and make it so you have to be in the top ten.”

“Cockiness is a nice look on you,” Atsumu commended. “I’ll make sure you regret this. Last chance.”

“Top ten and I’ll play,” you said and stuck out your palm for him to shake.

“Deal,” Atsumu agreed as he shook your hand with competitiveness about him. “Now...can you explain to me why the limit doesn’t exist in this graph?”

He was never going to make it. Atsumu was never going to catch up to you and you didn’t want him to have the satisfaction. Just as he didn’t let up, you weren’t about to give into him so easily. Loving always means loss and you weren’t ready to give it all up for him. 

Although, that was only something you were telling yourself as a way to ignore the blatant butterflies in your stomach when Atsumu held your hand as he vigorously solved math problems. You let him trace absent-minded circles with his thumb and watched his expression twist endearingly as he got stuck on a few questions. With a warm smile, you corrected his mistakes and let him squeeze your hand as a thanks. Atsumu caught you and you wanted to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the timelines!! So the 2015 timeline is when they're in high school and it's definitely a lot more linear. For both reader and Atsumu this was a simpler and more innocent time. 2018 is meant to mirror some of the things/behaviors that were happening back then or indicate that at one point things escalated pretty dramatically. Like in this chapter, it's indicated that reader had period of growth between getting to know Atsumu and the 2018 present. At the same time we see Atsumu doing sort of the same things like constantly pushing himself onto reader. Making bargains like "I'll do better" or "If I do A, then you will do B" and popping in whenever.. asdfgh toxic! 
> 
> Personally, i didn't really think it was important to specify where reader and atsumu specifically are in the relationship. But def it can be confusing so if a month or something as indication would be something yall want added just let me know!


	12. Play Me Like an Instrument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crazy O_O I swear last I checked this had 1000 hits and like 80 kudos irugairgu thank you guys for reading! Enjoy the chapter! I think we'll be seeing Ushijima again next chappiee ><

//2018//

You and Atsumu were tucked in a random, isolated corner away from the commotion with Atsumu. Everyone was distracted by the performers and happy gatherings. You already texted your family that something suddenly came up and you would meet them at the restaurant instead.

“Wow,” he sighed. “You look real pretty. Beautiful! Uh...Wonderful?… What do fancy people say at events like this?”

“Atsumu,” you said seriously. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, uh,” he stuttered. “I had a game in Tokyo yesterday and then I saw an ad for this concert with yer name on it.” Atsumu held out the advert for the event and certainly your name was featured on the cover. “Thought I’d...drop by, y’know?”

You stared at him with distaste and he chuckled sheepishly before holding out a bouquet of flowers. You ignored them and said, “You need to leave, Atsumu.”

Just as you were going to turn to leave, Atsumu grabbed your wrist and pulled you back to him.

“I’m sorry!” he said. “I was a jerk! A total asshole. Like always. I was wrong.”

“Atsumu, stop. It’s literally been months. We don’t need to go over this again.”

“But we do!” Atsumu’s hands were suddenly cradling your face which you tried to pull away from. “This whole time, I couldn’t get you out of my head. You’re always in my head, (Y/N). I’m so in love with you and you have no idea how much I’ve been hating myself for saying those things.”

“Atsumu, you left.”

“I know and I regret it! Don’t tell me you don’t still have feeling fer me, (Y/N). There’s no way.”

“It doesn’t matter what I feel for you. We’re just going to keep hurting each other, Tsumu. Don’t you see that? We should've seen it from the start. It’s never going to stop.”

“I can be better. I will be. I left because I was angry that I lost that game. It was wrong and unfair of me to dump that on you when you were struggling too. I should have seen it, but I was being selfish.”

His words seemed honest. He seemed honest. You wanted so bad to believe him, but wasn’t this all the same thing? 

“I don’t know, Atsumu…”

“Tell me you hate me. Tell me that you don’t love me and that you hate me. That you have no feelings left for me. Then I’ll go. I’ll leave for good. All you have to do is tell me with your own words that you don’t want me here anymore and I’ll go. I’ll leave forever. Just say that you don’t want me and mean it.”

You couldn’t answer him. How was this fair? You couldn’t answer him. All you could wonder was what your face might have looked from his perspective because you didn’t even know how to feel. On one hand you were still in love with Atsumu. On another, you needed him out of your life. Then there was the fact that this is what you believed love was. Push, pull. Give, take. He was being unfair, but weren’t you being unfair to him by lying to his face and telling him that you hated him? You didn’t give him an answer and he took it.

“I knew it,” was all he said before his lips were locked with your’s.

+++

//2015//

Miya Atsumu did it. He had really done it and you had underestimated it. It would have been thoughtless and stupid of you to believe that Atsumu was an idiot. He was undeniably intelligent especially on the court and when it came to people, but this was injustice to you. In a matter of weeks he topped the ranks nearly scoring the same as you for every subject. Judging by finals alone, you probably safely at fifth while Atsumu staggered in at sixth. It was like he didn’t even try and just got a ridiculously good score.

You swore there was something stuck in your throat. Was it breakfast? No, you didn't have breakfast. Vomit? For you to throw up, you have had to eat something. Jealousy? Dear God, no...

“Morning, (Y/N)!” Atsumu was chipper as ever. Over the last few weeks, the two of you hadn’t gone on another, dare-you-say, date, but you were on friendlier terms. Unfortunately, right now that relationship was dwindling for you as you silently seethed. 

“(Y/N)?” Atsumu leaned down to get a look at your face but you ignored him. He looked from your expression to the bulletin where his name was tucked somewhere under your’s for nearly every subject but placed relatively high on the charts. Atsumu became livelier than ever as he smirked with pride.

“Guess what that means?” he taunted, but you weren’t having it. How could you have been so stupid? Why did you wager a bet with him believing that he wasn’t actually going to suddenly jump from his former ranking at thirty all the way up here? 

Osamu came up behind Atsumu and also glared at the sheets of paper stacked on top of one another. 

“Eh?” Osamu let out. “Howdya do better than me?”

“Shut yer trap, ‘Samu!” Atsumu barked. “I’ve always been better at school than you! I just slipped a little this year!”

“Lame,” Osamu scoffed. While Atsumu was busy growling and howling at his twin, you marched away totally pissed off at the whole situation. You were never really a sore loser, but Atsumu brought out the worst in you sometimes. Because of him, you had probably the worst year of school in your life. Because of him, people turned against you when you had done nothing wrong. Because of him, you and Asami were on awkward terms after you had told her about your little study date with Atsumu. It was hard enough dealing with everything happening inside your home and past. He didn’t have to come in and do more damage that necessary. This was bullshit.

Atsumu kept pestering you that day, but you did your best not to acknowledge his noisy existence. As the last day of school went on, he seemed to grow shorter and shorter with you as well until at the end of the day, he couldn’t contain himself any longer. 

At the time, you were speaking to Asami about plans for the extensive spring break. You were trying to be cordial and friendly as you always had been with her. She was trying to do the same, but suddenly turned on you and walked off when she saw Atsumu approach. The two of you were left alone out in the courtyard. 

“What?” you asked bitterly. “Come to rub it in my face?” He glared down at you momentarily making you think you had the chance to escape, but Atsumu grabbed your wrist and pulled you back.

“What’s your problem?” he snapped.

“My problem,” you started, “is you. Literally, just you.”

“The fuck did I do?” 

“What didn’t you do, Atsumu? You can’t let me have  _ one _ thing. Just one thing at this school, can you?”

“Are you fucking serious? You’re actually going to make a big competition out of grades? Shouldn’t you be happy for me or somethin’? Sorry you didn’t know me before, but I was always pretty smart. My grades just typically stagger because I want to be a pro-volleyball player. Ever since I met you though, I wanted to be better for ya. But I guess nothing satisfies little-miss-perfect, now does it? 

I genuinely thought that maybe if I tried hard...Ugh! Whatever! Sorry for trying to care.”

“Care!? You don’t even know me, Atsumu. There’s nothing to care about. What is there to care about?”

“I don’t know! I just wanted to see you be happy about somethin’! I just wanted you to be passionate about something since you seem so fuckin’ depressed about your mom dying and all!” Your heart skipped a beat. Several beats actually. Not in the way it should have in romance novels when a man says something so romantic. No your heart just stopped and subsequently your blood went cold. Realizing what he said, Atsumu froze too.

“I’m...I didn’t…” Atsumu struggled to get his words straight. Each second that passed seemed to get worse. At this point, Atsumu thought he made you become upset or cry more than he had actually made you happy. “Sara told me at the hospital that day and I— Don’t be mad at her she was just—”

“You know what,” you interjected him. “Just stay out of it.”

Atsumu could do nothing more than let you go. He felt everything inside him shatter as you fled. Atsumu had fallen for you harder than he initially thought. It was taking everything inside him not to run after you and kiss you because he desperately wanted you to stay. Even if it meant you were always going to be mad at him or hate him, he just wanted to know that he could be by your side. For the first time he admitted to himself that he was in love with you. Hopelessly in love.


	13. False Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: not a full smut but kinda explicit, dirty talk, switch themes, some degrading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's doing wellll wherever you guys are! Just wanted to remind you guys to take care of yourselves, eat your meals, drink water, and maybe buy that thing you've been wanting. This is a message to treat yourselves!!!!! 
> 
> hehehe I've been thinking about writing a sakusa x reader slow burn after this one :P i have an idea for it but we'll see :3
> 
> hehe anyways here's a sexy chapter o_O

//2018//

Ushijima felt...Well he didn’t really know how he felt or how to express it in words that were coherent. He had left you after spending an innocent night at your place and never tried contacting you again. No, he tried. A multitude of times actually. Ushijima was constantly a button away from hitting send on a text or calling you, but he never brought himself to it.

He still hadn’t told you that he actually kissed you at the club that night. In all honesty, it was out of his character to kiss someone at a place like that especially when they were blackout drunk. Ushijima felt pretty guilty and was giving himself a hard time over it. He even called his friend in California to ask if what he did was weird to which he just got a bitter and angry answer to not call him at 4 a.m. Pacific Time. 

It was during his match against the MSBY Black Jackals that he noticed an advert for a New Year’s classical music concert at the university you were attending. On the flyer, he caught sight of your name and thought it would be nice to see you play piano again. Perhaps he’d ask you for dinner later too. 

He sat alone in the audience with a bundle of flowers he had picked up from a local flower shop. He wasn’t sure what kind of flowers you liked, but the shop owner recommended cotton flowers. He smiled thinking you would enjoy them instead of the typical roses. You were an unusual type and he liked that about you despite him being skeptical of things out of the ordinary. He just found you very interesting and wanted to know more.

Ushijima watched you perform your solo and make appearances several other times throughout the concert. You seemed content and comfortable. Unaware of the eyes that nitpicked at you. 

He wasn’t sure how to approach you after or how to find you. Ushijima was something like 192 centimeters tall, but you were much smaller and blended easily with the crowd. He searched for you and eventually made his way around a corner where he finally spotted you. Unfortunately, someone else had beaten him to you.

Whatever Atsumu was saying was distressing you, but then your face softened at the blonde. When you kissed Atsumu, Ushijima figured that was that. Suddenly, you weren’t so unpredictable as you were reckless and a fool. Even he could see it standing there from a distance. Not wanting to linger any longer, Ushijima walked out of the hall with a small bouquet of white puffs still in his hand.

+++

//2018//

Atsumu and you were at each other’s necks and practically clawing at each other’s skin and flesh. You were always so submissive to him before. Whimpering, whining, and begging. Tonight, however, you were matching his level and showing him that you didn’t want to back down. If you were going to do this, you were going to do it on your terms.

He grunted as you pushed his bare body to sit on the bed while your naked legs went around him. You pulled on his light, platinum hair which made him gasp as you sucked on that sweet spot of his neck.

“Shit,” Atsumu cursed. He moaned as your tongue licked his flesh as one of your hands went down to grasp his throbbing member. “ _ Fuck _ . Didn’t know ya could be so fiesty.” God, he was so fucking hard and he needed fuck you, but he was so torn. While he could easily just use his strength to force your head down into the mattress and ram into you from behind, he also loved this unseen side of you that had him completely wrapped around your finger. He liked how you were in control.

He threw his head back into white feather pillows of the hotel room and let you leave wet kisses from his collarbone and down his muscular torso. Atsumu’s hands were messing up your hair, pulling harder every time you nipped and sucked on a spot. Of all the times you had slept with him, you never really realized how sensitive he was literally everywhere. 

Atsumu taught you everything you knew. You never once had another sexual partner other than him. You felt like you couldn’t have anyone else. Maybe you were stuck. Trapped. Was it his fault though? No, it had to be yours too and if you were going to stay, you had to prove something to him as much as he had to prove something to you.

It was difficult for you not to be self-conscious as you made your way down his abs. Atsumu was built perfectly in every way. He always reminded you that this was his job, but did he really have to have a face like that to go with it all? Nothing about Atsumu was ever fucking fair.

Even his cock was pretty. It was big too. He never talked about it too much when you asked, but apparently Atsumu had racked up quite the reputation. And honestly, it didn’t really make you mad at him. On the outside, he was nearly flawless. Atsumu could’ve been anything he wanted and he’d always have people falling at his feet. He could literally have any kind of girl he wanted, yet here he was grunting at your fingertips as your tongue worked his length before taking him down your throat. While that should have made you feel grateful or something, it just made you feel like you had to be better and do better. 

“That’s it,” he practically growled. “Take it, bunny. Take my cock. Fu-uck. When the fuck didya get so fuckin’ good at this, huh? My little girl might makeout with some guys at a club, but I know you wouldn’t just fuck another guy.” Not wanting to hear his dirty talk then, you gave him one hard suck which made him moan loudly and chuckle. “Shit! The fuck, (Y/N). Never fuckin’ taught you that. Fuck.” 

His fingers were tugging your hair, trying to guide your head up and down his shaft. You kept a good pace and used a hand to pump whatever length you couldn’t take into your mouth. Atsumu kept groaning in pleasure and egging you to keep sucking him off.

“Mm! (Y/N), I’m gonna cum!” You stopped and pulled yourself off his weeping member. “Wha—” Before he could even ask what you were doing, you smashed your lips against his. His hands were somehow still in your hair and this time he used it to pull your face off of his, making you gasp at the sharp pain. Atsumu smirked devilishly at your pouty face.

“When didya become such a fucking brat?” he nearly spat at you. “Not letting  _ me _ cum? Did our time apart make ya forget who’s in charge here? ‘Cause it ain’t you, babe.” You kept staring him down, not wanting to waver. If he was going to break you, then he better put in the effort because tonight you were going to put up a fight. 

Atsumu laughed at your defiance and said, “I have to admit that I like that look you got goin’ on, but I think you’d look better absolutely fucking ruined fer me.”

+++

You were fast asleep in his arms. You looked so peaceful and innocent like that. A complete 180 from your beautifully fucked out expression from when he made you ride him after making you orgasm three times on his hand. He had to give it to you though. You really did put up a fight. There were even bruises on your hips and thighs from how he clutched onto you by abusing his own strength. 

His skin was littered with various bite marks, hickeys, and red streaks and crescents you had etched into him with your nails. It was undoubtedly hot and he was high off the sense that you needed him as much as he needed you. Atsumu didn’t want to wake you, but he still pressed light kisses against the marks he had left all over you. He watched you nuzzle into him, trying to escape his bothersome affection.

Atsumu stroked your bare back with the tips of his fingers as he held you close to his chest. Why couldn’t it be like this always? Forever, even. Maybe, if he got you to promise him eternity then things would be better. You wouldn’t feel the need to leave if there was a chance for a future. If you could just promise him that, then everything would be fine.


	14. Proposals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for a bit guys!!! Super busy week asdfghjkl;;; BUT I AM BACK  
> It looks like you guys really enjoy them ushi crumbs irghoahr i promise he'll come back soon! Like next chapter soon AHAHAHHAHA  
> This is a pretty long chapter compared to the other ones! I thought about snipping it into two chapters but it didn't really make sense to do that....  
> WELL HAVE FUN!

//2019//

Why was there so much work? Who let college be  _ this _ difficult. Of course, leave it up to you to be overly ambitious and take the most unnecessary classes. You groaned in despair and ruffled your own hair in frustration. Suddenly your rolling chair was yanked backwards and out of the desk you were glued to the entire day. Before you could make a sound, the chair spun around so you were facing Atsumu.

“‘Tsumu!” you whined in exasperation. “Let me go, I have a test on Monday!”

When you attempted to turn your chair around, Atsumu held it in place and said, “Take a break, (Y/N). You’ve been workin’ all day. Besides, ya still got all of Sunday to study.” His lips started doing that wonderful thing on your neck as his hands massaged the back of your scalp soothingly. Another minute of this and you would melt right in his big hands.

“I don’t know, ‘Tsumu. I have half a semester’s worth of material to cover and I’m hardly through the first three chapters.”

“Take a break,” he whispered again this time one of his hands snaked up the t-shirt you were wearing to grab one of your breasts. You returned a moan when his thumb brushed against your nipple.

“Atsumu,” you protested weakly. “I can’t.”

The tall blonde looked you in the eye with a mschievous smirk and said, “I ain’t askin’, bunny.”

+++

//2016//

New school year. New you? Haha. No. Not really. But still a fresh start.

You and Asami had awkwardly drifted apart at the end of your second year due to things with Atsumu, but the two of you spent a considerable amount of time together at cram school over the break which actually brought you back closer. You two were always comfortable with one another so reparations happened easily and naturally.

You determined that this year was no year for drama particularly not with boys. Your last year of high school would be focused on getting into a good school and until then you were to remain completely concentrated. Besides, you weren’t going to limit yourself to this small country. You had the privilege to access the world. Why not use it?

“Welcome to the top class,” Asami said brightly as she opened the door to your new class with  _ no _ Miya Atsumu.

“Oh, Asami-san,” came a dull voice from behind. Your heart nearly leapt out your chest in surprise when you thought the boy was Atsumu. 

“Mornin’, Osamu-san,” Asami greeted. “How was your break?”

“Good,” he replied cordially before making his way to his friend tucked away in a corner. 

A new year. New people. New chances.

The first month or so was pretty quiet and nice. You were amicable with your classmates in your new class. They were all overachievers with no taste for the drama that took place in your life last year. Even the teachers took you more seriously here. Overall, it was a much quieter life than before. Mundane even.

You still saw Atsumu, of course. How could you not? He’d occasionally barge into the classroom to visit his brother and his close friend, Rintarou. As usual, he was obnoxious, loud, and most of all annoying. But you gave him no attention whatsoever. Sometimes when you passed each other in the hallway, the both of you would stick your noses up in opposite directions and pretend the other didn’t exist. 

A good portion of the semester must’ve passed when Miya Osamu made the decision to approach you during a class break while Asami went to the restroom.

“Hey,” he said while towering over you with his hands shoved in his pockets. You blinked up at him. “Oh, uh…” So to be eye-level with you, he sat in Asami’s seat. “Sorry, my mom says it’s rude to tower over people like that.” 

“Oh, that’s fine,” you reassured. Osamu was certainly kinder than Atsumu.

“You were in Atsumu’s class last year right?” the ash-haired boy asked.

“Yeah,” you replied, trying not to sound too peeved by the other twin’s name.

“This is really weird for me as it probably is for you, so I’d prefer if you didn’t tell him that I approached you.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on talking to him any time soon.”

Osamu chuckled. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” You raised a brow at this Miya. “Look, it’s totally your prerogative what you want to do. I can’t tell ya how to feel or how to live your life.” You kept staring at the handsome boy with a puzzled look. “‘Tsumu likes ya. Even now. When we go home, he can’t shut up about you. He won’t. Even if it’s just him complaining, he’s talkin’ about you.”

“But we—”

“Haven’t spoken to each other in months,” Osamu finished for you. “I know, I know. I’m not asking you to date him, but it’s really getting annoying at this point and kind of sad. He’s always tryna ask me if I can pass notes to you or something. Or slip something into your shoes.”

You scoffed at Atsumu’s childishness. 

“I know he’s a lot to deal with. Believe me, I probably know way better than you actually. He doesn’t listen, he takes things without askin’, and he lies. And when he’s not lying, he’s being a straight up ass. But, he’s also one of the most passionate guys you’ll ever meet. I’m not asking you to date him, but to just…” Osamu trailed off.

You stook a contemplative moment before answering, “I’ll think about it.”

+++

You were on the train back from your piano lesson. The last few weeks, you thought a lot about Osamu’s plea. Osamu was certainly, the nicer twin but still just as shift as Atsumu. He was good at school, but didn’t really put in the effort to be better. Osamu was consistent and not as unpredictable and capricious as his brother. 

You were flipping through your phone, looking at posts on a photo blog app where you followed others from your school. It was the same thing for most people. Pencils and lines on notebook paper. Studying at cafes. Occasionally there was some exceptionally rich kid in Europe with their family. The one post that caught your eye was of a familiar girl from a year ago who offered  _ her _ notebook to Atsumu on your first day, further putting you in trouble.

It was a picture of Mabuchi and Atsumu, smiling beside each other. Interestingly there was no caption but in the shot, you could see they were wearing matching beaded bracelets. You frowned at the image and everything Osamu said went flying out the window. 

Liked you? Atsumu liked you? He could take that load of bullshit and shove it up his pretty—

“(Y/N)?” At some point between your huffing and puffing over a silly image, you had come out of the escalator and outside the station. There you were untimely met with none other than Atsumu and his new girlfriend. 

“Atsumu,” you greeted firmly. “Mabuchi.”

“H-hey,” the girl said back. You gave them a half-smirk and moved past them.

“Comin’ back from your piano lesson?” Atsumu asked, stopping you in your tracks. 

“Oh!” Mabuchi yelped as she clutched onto Atsumu’s arm. “I didn’t know you played piano, (Y/N)!”

Figuring out that running away was probably not the best option, you pivoted back around and gave a blunt reply, “Yep.”

“Well, I still haven’t heard you play,” Atsumu said. Mabuchi gave him a weird look which he ignored. “You still lost that bet last year.”

“Bet?” Mabuchi asked worriedly. “What bet, ‘Tsumu-kun?”

“I’ll tell ya about it later,” Atsumu whispered to her before turning back to you. “Well, uh, see you around.”

This time you watched him leave with Mabuchi’s hand in his. It was the middle of volleyball season, and you thought about how tired Atsumu must have been with intense practices. Saturdays and Sundays were probably his only days off and he probably still spent them at the gym practicing those monstrous serves he tried showing off to you. You shook your head from the image of his tall, muscular form and joyful face as he smashed balls to the other side of the court with power and precision. You weren’t actually thinking about him were you? You were still mad at him. Were you not? It was a stupid fight that you had initiated...Still, you had finally gotten rid of him. Your life was quiet. Calm. You could focus on your studies and getting into a good—

_ DING! _

You lifted your nearly forgotten phone to your face at the sound of incoming email. It was your piano teacher. 

_ Hi everyone!  _

_ I wanted to inform everyone that there will be a large-scale classical piano concert in the Hyogo Prefecture taking place next month… _

You quickly skimmed through the rest of the email that detailed the coming event. A concert… It had been a while since the last time you’ve performed competitively or for an audience at that. Just then you recalled how Atsumu said that he had yet to see you perform since you lost your bet with him last semester. 

Usually, you weren’t the impulsive type. You thought things through rather meticulously. Everything had a plan and a method. So, why were you suddenly texting the contact called  _ Tsumutsumu _ …

+++

Atsumu was in the middle of his awfully boring and dull date with Mabuchi who had pleaded with him to come out that weekend even though his entire body was sore and exhausted from strenuous practice. For athletes like himself, the last year of high school was crucial. Colleges and pro-teams from all over the country and maybe even abroad would be dissecting his every play and move to see if he was worth accepting. Atsumu had gotten decent enough grades throughout his high school career minus a few understandable slips here and there to be considered for some pretty decent schools. Technically, he shouldn’t be out on a date at all when things in his life were picking up. 

Mabuchi was rambling on about something. Probably someone, but he totally blanking out

“Geez, you think you’d know a little more about someone after they’d been at Inarizaki for a year,” Mabuchi said. “(Y/N) really must not be the social type. Those kinds of people go crazy in college, you know...Or they have a secret life. Maybe when she’s not working all the time, she’s out at karaoke with older men.”

This time Atsumu caught her words and shot Mabuchi a chilling glare which made the poor girl nearly choke on her tea.

“O-oh, s-sorry Miya-kun,” she stuttered. “I thought you weren’t—”

“Don’t talk about her,” Atsumu said bitterly. “You don’t know anything about, (Y/N).”

“S-Sorry…”

Atsumu sighed. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at ya like that.” The apology rolled weirdly out his mouth. Atsumu wasn’t really used to apologizing for himself like this.

He watched his date’s face contort and thought to himself  _ Oh, no. Please don’t… _

Thin lines of tears fell from Mabuchi’s eyes as she said, “Do… Do you not like me, Miya-kun?”

“What kind of question is that? I’m out with you, aren’t I?”

“What for though?”

Atsumu didn’t respond.

Mabuchi wiped her face and sniffled. “Clearly, there’s someone else on your mind…”

“There isn’t.”

“Really? You’ve been in a mood since we ran into, (Y/N). You even knew where she was coming from without even having spoken to her for months.”

“It’s not like that, Mabuchi! Or… We… ARGH! Don’t talk about her!”

“See!” 

Atsumu grunted and shut his own mouth for once.

“You don’t have to force yourself to be with me, Miya-kun. Besides, I don’t like being someone’s second-best. Not even yours.”

+++

What a shitty day. A real shitty fucking day with shitty girl on a shitty date in a shitty situation with shitty cramps and just a shitload of shit that happened all in one shitty day.

Atsumu sank into his bed ignoring his twin brother who attempted to ask how his day was. Osamu immediately got the message and did… whatever he was doing before. 

_ DING! _

Atsumu groaned and brought the bright screen to his face.

_ (Y/N)-cutie: Hey, Atsumu... _

Atsumu shot up in bed, fully alert and awake. His heart was racing 100 kilometers per hour with anticipation. Should he wait to text her? No that would be mean. He was mean to her. Should he keep doing that? No, no, no.

_ Tsumutsumu: Hi? _

He watched the three dots jump...Then disappear...Move again...Disappear...Move...Disappear...Move…

_ (Y/N)-cutie: I lost the bet _

_ Tsumutsumu: You did LOL _

Move...disappear...move…C’MON!!

_ (Y/N)-cutie: I’m doing a competition in a month. Come. _

_ Tsumutsumu: !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!!!!!!! _

_ Tsumutsumu: $%&(%@$!#%^ _

_ Tsumutsumu: (%^&$^%#$%@!!!! _

_ (Y/N)-cutie: stop. _

_ Tsumutsumu: SORRY! I’M JUST SO…!@$@#%!!@!$# _

_ (Y/N)-cutie: lol...no I’m the one who’s sorry… _

_ (Y/N)-cutie: You must be tired, so get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow. _

Atsumu wanted to keep texting her like this. Ask her more about the competition. If he could watch her practice! However, he restrained himself.

_ Tsumutsumu: OK (Y/N)~ Good night !  _

The blonde looked over at his brother who was paying no mind at all to him and innocently doing his homework. Suddenly feeling worked up, Atsumu pounced on the younger twin’s back and started digging his knuckles in his scalp.

“WHAT THE FUCK ‘TSUMU!” Osamu yelled. “THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YER DOIN’?”

After tussling for a bit, Osamu finally pried Atsumu off of him and sent him a vexed glare. However, Osamu’s face turned into a more perplexed looked when he saw his brother’s childish, happy-go-lucky expression and heard his idiotic laugh. 

“Did somethin’ happen to ya?” Osamu asked carefully, not wanting Atsumu to launch another unsolicited surprise attack.

“It’s none of yer business!” Atsumu replied in a sing-song business. 

Osamu scoffed and took a guess, “Is it (Y/N)?”

“N-no!” 

“Yup, it is.”

“Is not!”

“Is too.” 

“Is not!” 

“Is too.”

“Shut yer trap, ‘Samu!”

“THE BOTH OF YA, SHUT UP AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK!” The twins abruptly ceased their bickering at the shrill sound of their mother’s voice.

Atsumu hardly slept that night and kept Osamu up who had previously asked you to make up with his brother for the purpose of shutting him up. Though, it was nice to see this look on Atsumu again outside of volleyball. You just might have been the first thing, the first person ever to make him this excited about anything other than volleyball. 

+++

//2019//

This was a new year. Really. You and Atsumu were in a good place. He texted you that he missed you when he was at practice in Osaka. He called nearly every night even though he was beyond tired. He came on time on Friday nights. Paid for dinners. Cooked with you. Loved you. Supported you. Everything was perfect, but it always felt like you were walking on eggshells around each other. 

The two of you were still a little breathless, but comfortably buried in your sheets. His body was sweaty and stuck to your’s in a warm embrace. You didn’t mind the sweat although you’d probably have to change your sheets now. Atsumu pulled you in for another open mouthed kiss, but this time it was much slower than when he was mercilessly fucking you with your hands pinned to either side of your head. 

He pulled away and looked straight into your eyes and said, “Forever. That’s how long I wanna be with ya.” You weren’t sure how to reply and just smiled as you went back in for another kiss. He stopped you. “I mean it when I say forever, Y/N. You might be the one fer me.”

Your smile fell and your eyes opened wide at his confession. You thought you could hear the eggshells cracking under you as the bed creaked.

“T-th-this ain’t a proposal or anything!” he stammered. “I’m just saying that of all the people in the world, I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to give you everything and have everything with you.”

Your body rushed with so much anxiety that you didn’t even realize Atsumu had turned around and pulled something out of his wallet. He then gathered your hands in his slipping something between your palms. All you could think was,  _ too soon. _

A ring. Too soon.

“I’m not proposing to ya yet, but I heard promise rings were popular in the West and thought it was a cute concept,” Atsumu explained. “If you don’t like it, we can return that one and go pick a new one. Or a necklace. Or a bracelet. Whatever you want!”

“I love you, ‘Tsumu,” you whispered, not wanting to verbally accept his terms. You embraced him so he wouldn’t see the expression you weren’t even sure you were making. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breaking down a little bit of what's going on~
> 
> I reconstructed the scene from way in the beginning of the fic where Atsumu first gave reader the promise ring. Now we know by this time, how reader really feels. Atsumu is still pushing himself onto her and her being naive thinks this is how it's supposed to be and just goes with it. I think in a way, she feels majorly responsible for what keeps happened to them. It's a cycle really where both parties keep pushing each other away and pulling them back in. And the way it's been happening for years T^T....


	15. The First Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT? 2100+ hits??? CRAZYYYY!!! Thank you all so much! I've received a few comments saying that the dynamic I'm depicting in the relationship is going well, so thank you so much :c A little disheartened though that some of you had to go through something like this... Toxic relationships are definitely hard to deal with and even harder to spot. While I'm glad you're enjoying the story, please take care of yourselves and f toxic people!! We all deserve better!

//2016//

A month came by quickly. Like...Really quickly. And suddenly, you’re here. Backstage and peaking out the curtain to see a sea of people sitting with the judges stationed at the front. They had stern looks about them as they meticulously picked apart everything from the tempo, your movement, expression, and form. The pressure was practically tangible. Were you even breathing? You were definitely shaking from the way your heart about about to jump out of your chest. Or maybe it was actually the sound of blood rushing through you as loud as a raging river.

It’s been so long since you’ve done anything like this. Maybe you should’ve chosen a looser dress. God, you wished your mother were here. You remembered how she used to sneak backstage and give you little reminders. 

_“Don’t forget,” she would say. “Elbows up. Wrists over the keys. Shoulders back. Breathe, then play.”_ She always thought piano was just play. A dance for your fingers. Everything was play with her, but the music died when she left and you just found it hard to play anything right since.

You repeated her words over and over in your head, trying to convince yourself that this was fun. That is was play. A dance. Play. Dance. That’s all it was… What a shame it would be if you forgot. If you messed up. How disappointed she would be... 

Somewhere else in the crowd was your father and Sara.

“You’re tense, dear,” Sara noted to her new husband as she squeezed his hand.

“It’s been forever since she’s played publicly,” your father said. “Since…”

“She plays wonderfully at home,” Sara reassured. “She’ll play the same on stage.”

Your father smiled gratefully and said, “I know.”

+++

Atsumu sat in the crowd with Asami who, until today, had no knowledge about your history with piano and was surprised when you invited her to come watch you play. Asami seemed well-versed with classical music while Atsumu kind of just sat there not sure what was so great about some boring old songs. All he wanted to do was see _you_ play. 

The blonde looked down at the half folded program in his hand and saw that you were coming up next. A smirk rose to his face as an idea crossed his mind.

“ ’Scuse me, Asami-chan,” Atsumu said as he got from his seat. “I hafta use the restroom, if ya don’t mind.”

Asami raised a brow at Atsumu, and was about to say something snappy until she realized what he was about to do.

“Tell her I said ‘break a leg,’” was all she told him. Atsumu laughed sheepishly and made his way out of the audience.

+++

//2019//

Atsumu was gone for the week and back in Osaka for volleyball. You didn’t make it to many of his games considering your own hectic schedule between classes, tests, piano practice, and other activities. The whole “long distance” thing probably contributed to all the times things got too heated, but it was never the center of any of your arguments. It was a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand, it gave you time and space to focus on what both of you prioritized. On an another, it could lead to the both of you just not being on the same page. It was kind of like playing a roulette game every week. Would everything be fine or not?

Toady was Wednesday and all you had today was a morning lecture which gave you time to go grocery shopping. It was Atsumu’s turn to come up to you this weekend. Since it was the middle of his volleyball season and Atsumu had to watch his diet, the two of you didn’t go out to eat as much. 

You got off the train at your station when something blocked your way. You were about to apologize and walk around the person when they spoke your name.

“(Y/N)?” you looked up and to your surprise it was Ushijima. It had been so long since you last saw him… Months, actually.

“O-oh, Ushijima-san,” you greeted. “W-what are you doing out?”

“I’m on my way to see my personal trainer,” he stated plainly.

“Oh,” you nodded awkwardly. “Well, I should let you go then. It was nice—”

“I,” he cut you off but then fell silent for a second again. “Um… I need to return the clothes I borrowed. From… before.”

“Oh,” you said for the millionth time. Funny how one sound can have so many meanings. “Yeah. Those are Atsumu’s. He’d want those back.”

“I washed them and everything,” Ushijima said. “I just… haven’t had time.”

“I understand,” you nodded. 

“If it’s not inappropriate, would you meet me for coffee? As friends, of course. Just to return the clothes.”

“Um… sure. Let me pay though, since you took care of me...uh… before.”

Ushijima looks down at you with a blank expression and just nodded. The two of you stood in front of each for another silent second before you decided to break it.

“Um, well, call me then and we’ll work out a time.”

You made it three steps past him when he suddenly stopped you.

“(Y/N),” he called out to you. You turned and he took a few steps towards you so you were face-to-face again. He looked at the ground contemplatively as if he were choosing his words carefully. When he finally said them, however, they didn’t sound very cautious to you. “I apologize if it’s not my place to say, but I believe you deserve better than Miya.”

You frowned at Ushijima as your temper steadily rose. 

“That is all,” he said bluntly and left, not giving you the chance to say something back.

You didn’t know Ushijima Wakatoshi all too well, but you knew that he was an honest guy. So, it irked you extra that he would say something like that with such… honesty.

+++

The song before was ending. It was Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata, III”— an impressive song and the third movement the most impressive part of it. You heard the player miss a few notes which should have made you feel a little less anxious but only got you thinking “what if I do the same?”

The song was almost ten minutes long and they were about a third of the way through it. Should you just run and not perform? No, then everyone would know. This concert was no small deal. Your name would be on concert piano news. (L/N), (Y/N), daughter of esteemed concert pianist and a disappointment to all.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t realize someone had come up behind until a voice whispered, “Hey!” You gasped and clasped a hand over your mouth to prevent you from screaming. 

“Whoa!” he whispered again. “Calm down, it’s just me!” 

“Atsumu!” you nearly cried.

“SHHHH!” everyone around you shushed. 

You saw Atsumu look you up and down and his cheeks flush pink.

“Y-Ya look good...fer you, I mean,” he complimented but you didn’t really want to hear it.

“Thanks, but why are you here?” you snapped. 

“Because I wanna wish you good luck,” he answered. “Ya better win.”

Those three words sent your mind further into panic.

“I don’t think I can,” you murmured. “I don’t even think I can play.

“Huh?!” Atsumu cried a little louder than he meant to.

“SHHHH!” people hushed you two again. 

Atsumu just grumbled and dragged you away from the curtain and behind a bunch of miscellaneous things. 

“Atsumu, please let me go,” you begged. 

“No.” He placed his hands on your shoulders and leaned down to look you right in your eyes. “You’re not leaving. You’re going to play and you’re going to win. I know it!”

“You’ve never seen or heard me play, how can you say that?”

Atsumu blinked twive before answering plainly, “Because I was going to ask you out when ya win.” You blinked back at him. This was too much to live up to. You looked away from him with guilt but he brought face back to his by tugging your chin with his thumb and index fingers. “Hey, it’s okay. I won’t do it if ya don’t want me to.”

“It’s not that,” you said. “It’s my mom. She was a pianist and I never lost when she was around. Not that it mattered. It’s just I’ve only ever played because of her, but when she died…” You didn’t realize there were tears falling until Atsumu caught them with his thumb. “I don’t think I can do this, Atsumu. I’m freaking out. What if I don’t play well enough? My dad is out there and he’s expecting to be as good as her. Everyone is expecting me to be—”

You never got to finished your sentence because Atsumu had his lips on your’s. You never thought you’d be crying while having your first kiss. His broke the kiss once and went back for another short peck. Then he pulled away and smiled confidently at you.

“You don’t have ta be anythin’ fer me, (Y/N),” he said. “I’m sure yer mom was great, but I don’t know her. I only know you. And to me, you’re amazin’ as is.” You were still too shocked to say anything. “Now go out and win, so I can kiss ya properly instead of back here where it’s all dusty and shit.”

He squeezed your hand one last time as the performer finished. You hardly heard the applause outside. 

“It’s yer turn,” he said. “I’m with ya the whole way, (Y/N). Don’t forget that.”

You made your way to center stage. The lights were hot on your face and the sound of applause roared in your ears. You gulped and folded your body into a bow. You heard your mother counting for you “down, two, three, then up, two three.” 

For a moment by one of the exit doors in the audience, you thought you saw her. Smiling at you. Happy. You closed your eyes and opened them again to realize it was just Atsumu. Smiling at you. You gave him a brief smile back and made your way to fix your seat at the black grand Steinway & Sons piano.

You didn’t think about your mother when you played today. You thought about how much fun Atsumu looked like he was having when he played volleyball. Liberated and free. That’s how you wanted to play this song. 

The quiet before you played use to be your favorite part of the performance. The anticipation was completely in your control. How you decided to play the first notes could control the audience. Make them swoon or put them in shock and Mozart’s “Ronda Alla Turca” was going to do both.

+++

You ran out to greet your family and friends in the audience with a crystal 1st Place award and a bouquet of flowers. There was a huge smile plastered to your face as you received hugs from all around. 

“Oh my God,” your father sniffled. He hugged you over and over again.

“Dad, stop,” you giggled. “You’ll get my dress wet!”

“I’m sorry!” he sobbed. “It’s just…” He wiped his eyes and smiled. “She would be _so_ proud of you and so happy too.”

You gave everyone a toothy smile. It was probably the first time any of them had seen you smile like that and the first time in a long time for your father. It had been a long time since you had felt like this. 

You looked over at Atsumu who looked at you endearingly which made your stomach do somersaults. There wasn’t anything that needed to be said or done between the two of you. It was clear that you two had fallen for each other so innocently back then. This was just the beginning and everything was exciting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little breakdown!!! ><
> 
> I feel a huge part of this story has been a lot of Atsumu and reader going back and forth. Fighting, making up, fighting, making up. I really only showed you guys the bad/toxic sides, but the truth it's a lot more complicated than that for the reader who doesn't understand that that's not what a relationship is supposed to be like. I wanted to throw this really critical moment in here so we all really understand why it's so hard for reader to just leave Atsumu when he was the one that really helped her find herself again. Ushijima is kind of supposed to be us (the audience) who sees it more objectively and wants reader to leave the situation. However, it's implied that the reader's offended because she knows he's not wrong but he doesn't understand just how much Atsumu really means to her and how much she thinks she needs Atsumu there. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this chapter! HUGS AND KISSES FOR EVERYONE!


	16. Miscalculated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was reading back on this fic and I feel like I kinda didn't do as great the last few chapters and I kinda wish I could fix some things but 💀💀💀 Well anyways, here's this one! Please enjoy~

//2016//

Dating Atsumu was not exactly easy. It really was no quiet affair like it never was. People flooded you with questions that often seemed more like accusations at times. However, there was a privilege when that came with being one of the top students. People treated you politely and cautiously so not to displease teachers and administrators. It wasn’t anything like being popular like Asami was, but being best friends with her always helped a bit as well.

Still, Atsumu was steadfast and always acted like he paid no mind to any of it. He was always at your side until the bell rang. At lunch, you shared boxed lunches on an empty rooftop where he did cheesy things like feed you which would make your stomach flip and turn in that same cheesy way it did in dramas.

The moments after school were probably the best though. It was only minutes before he had to go to practice, but he took the time to run to a secluded part of campus close to the gym. He said he’d brought a girl there before to break up with her, so maybe not the most romantic of locations… Still, the way he kissed you was blinding and addicting. Weren’t these things supposed to be awkward?

It didn’t take much for you to realize that he wanted to do more with you. He would bring his large hands either dangerously high or dangerously close as gestures of an unspoken question for permission to explore more of you, but you just continued to deny him by playing dumb. Weren’t these things supposed to accelerate after sixth months of being in a relationship? Or at minimum three before you could allow him to touch you...elsewhere? 

You didn’t think much of these things at the time. He seemed understanding enough to not push it any farther or ask more of you. He liked kissing you and you liked kissing him. You liked spending time with each other and didn’t get too much in each other’s ways. That’s what mattered. 

Actually, that was the problem. The both of you were a little too good at staying out of each other’s ways. Most of your time together was spent at school in passing. On top of that, being in separate classes made it all the more difficult. Dates outside of that were seldom as well. He was always practicing since his entire future was riding on this last year to be recruited by top college teams and pro-ranked teams all the while maintaining his grades and still taking entrance exams. Then there was you who was juggling a multitude of college exams both for Japan and the U.S.—why did the U.S. have so many required tests?

When you weren’t running about to expensive tutoring sessions and limited exam dates, you were focusing on music as your main extracurricular. It wasn’t much, but you hoped it could get you somewhere. 

“So yer really going to try, huh?” Atsumu asked you while watching you read some English literature novel. 

“Yeah,” you replied while turning a page. The blonde pouted and took a hasty bite out of his onigiri,

“Well, if you got in, would you really go?”

You raised your gaze from the words on the page to look up at Atsumu. He seemed anxious to hear your answer.

“I would,” you answered. He seemed both taken aback and unsurprised by your response. “U.S. universities get worldwide recognition if you go to a good one. Besides, my family’s willing to pay and my English is good enough because I used to follow my mom around on her travels when she performed. There was even a time I had to go to an American public school when I was really young. It was only two years though, so I’m really rusty.” Atsumu’s eyes opened wide. You realized that it was the first time you had told him about it. Or anyone really since you had come to Inarizaki.

“It’s not really anything important or amazing,” you tried to reassure.

“It’s important to me,” Atsumu said back. “I’m your boyfriend.”

“Well...Now you know.”

“What happened to your mom, anyways?” The question caught you completely off guard so much so that you dropped your book.

“She died.” 

Atsumu sighed disappointedly. 

It really should have been then you realized that the two of you were on different pages. Because after that moment, it was compromise after compromise. Sorry after sorry. You felt like you had to keep giving him more and more. At his pace. When he wanted. At times it was cathartic being you and letting your walls down. He taught you that it was okay to be honest with others and to yourself, but it was never enough for him.

+++

//2019//

Dating you wasn’t easy for Atsumu. You held back on him. Never letting him know how you were really, authentically feeling. He was always guessing at how you were doing and why you were that way. He knew he had to be understanding considering the kind of person you were with the kinds of things you had been through. Life wasn’t easy for you all the time and you hated to admit it because you knew you had it all. 

You were intelligent to the point some could even call you a genius. You were talented. You were unconventional, but charismatic and easy-on-the-eyes. You came from a good family with enough money to promise you all four years of college abroad. There was nothing in your life anyone could pick out as unfortunate other than the untimely passing of your mother. 

It didn’t take long for Atsumu to realize that you were burying your burdens and letting it bottle up until it was too much to bear. It was hard being gifted. He knew that, but you were so hard on yourself that it was always hard for him to watch.

Sometimes he’d come to you on the weekend and you wouldn’t budge, hardly speak, and barely eat. Days he’d have to just hold you there because everything overwhelmed you. It frustrated him beyond anything that you never told him exactly why. You just said it was a test. It was just a friend. It would just be something that shouldn’t matter, but for some reason you still punished yourself for it.

He should have seen these signs when you first fainted and he ran you to the hospital on his back in his second year of high school. When you looked like you were going to break down when he made a weight joke. When you hit him across the face in the library. When you cried backstage before your performance. They were all there and maybe if he had seen them better, he could learn to fix you. But how do you fix a person?

“How were your classes?” he asked. You were at his place this weekend and you wore the white gold ring on your right index finger. You seemed drained, but nothing unusual? He would never know with you.

“Classes were okay,” you said. It was bad.

“Get good grades?”

“They’re okay. Could have done better.”

“Why are you so hard on yerself, (Y/N)? You’re the best at everything! The best fer me at least!” The gave him a wavering smile you gave him that broke his heart. He knew that this was going to be another night where he wouldn’t know how to properly comfort you. 

“I ran into Ushijima-san this week,” you changed the topic with a lighter tone that was totally forced.

“Oh,” he let out. “Ushiwaka.”

“He doesn’t actually like being called that,” you told Atsumu.

Atsumu furrowed his brows together and asked a little harsher than intended, “And how would you know that?”

“I think he told me at a club,” you giggled.

“Excuse me?”

You hadn’t told Atsumu about that night yet when you went out with Asami and brought Ushijima home. While nothing happened, you knew that Atsumu wouldn’t believe that.

“He asked for coffee later next week,” you changed the topic inexpertly. “As old friends.”

“Oh no,” Atsumu scoffed, “ya don’t get to do that to me, (Y/N). What happened at the club? What are ya hidin’?”

“I’m not hiding anything,” you tried to play it off. “Nothing happened, we just met there and talked. It was fun and it waswhen we were broken up then.”

Jealousy filled Atsumu and he further accused you, “Ya ain’t bein’ truthful, are ya?”

“What are you trying to say, ‘Tsumu? That I cheated on you? Because I didn’t. Even if something did happen, we were done then.” 

“Do ya still have feelings for him?”

You snapped at the absurd question “What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t want you to see him.”

“You can’t exactly stop me.”

“That’s why I said I don’t  _ want _ you to see him.”

You pushed yourself off of his sofa and made your way to his room. His place was bigger than yours. He was making good money on his own and could afford a nicer place with nicer things. Rumor had it that Atsumu was a rookie in line to participate in the coming Olympics. 

He watched you sink into his sheets. Your body was weak and you had become thin lately. He never cared for the way your body looked. He thought you were fine the way you were although he was occasionally concerned over your lack of exercise. Atsumu was often more concerned with your penchant for skipping meals which clearly you had been doing lately. He figured it was part of the reason you were so on edge. 

He shuffled his way to you and laid down beside you. Atsumu wrapped his toned arm around you and pulled you in so that your back touched his chest. He started kissing your hair and nuzzling into the back of your neck.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He knew it was too late for that when he felt you start shaking in his arms. He wouldn't call you a crybaby because that implied you were weak when you were one of the strongest people he knew. Rather, it was just something out of your control and he never knew what to do other than tell you he was sorry. He was sorry he was one of the reasons you were hurting. Sorry he couldn’t let you go. Sorry he wanted more from you. Sorry he couldn’t do more for you. Sorry that he wanted you to stay so bad that he would hurt you to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I got the tension right in this chapter...
> 
> I'm thinking of wrapping up this fic pretty soon. Maybe another 5-7 chapters? Still trying to figure out the exact ending, but I have a general idea of how it'll play out. I'm just not sure how many more chapters it'll take. T^T


	17. Something We Missed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suggestive themes (it does happen when they're in high school, but both characters are 18 at this point, nothing serious happens)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Approx...Four chapters until the end. I may add another one or two, but as of now 21 chapters is what I have planned. 
> 
> I tried to be really careful with writing this chapter because Atsumu and reader do kind of suggestive things as high schoolers, but they're both eighteen here and have been dating for a while at this point. Anyways, read the end notes for a better explanation. I don't condone lewding or sexualizing minors and I think it's pretty clear that this fic isn't about the sex even when they're older. Also, quick reminder that this fic is loosely based on some personal experiences I had with dating so take what you will from that.

//2016// 

It wasn’t always difficult with Atsumu. Actually, he was quite fun to be with. He was always pushing you out of your comfort zone and taking you on adventures when he could. Atsumu would tell you that it would help him train if you let him run with you on his back, but you didn’t expect him to pick the steepest hill in the prefecture to do this on. It was a wonder how he didn’t start tumbling. He was a lot less clumsy than you imagined him to be despite his absolutely chaotic nature.

When it came to the good parts, Atsumu was a really good boyfriend. Although you didn’t really have much to go off of. He was your first. First kiss, first love, first everything. Back then, you wanted to do it all with him.

One day you had some time to stay after school and watch Atsumu’s practice. Watching him was always mesmerizing as he moved on the court with precision and play. He was always having fun, even when he messed up. 

On his break he decided to run up to you, but before you could say anything he leaned down to whisper, “Make a little time for me after practice, okay?”

“Wait what—”

“Don’t worry, ‘Samu will go home.”

Atsumu squeezed your hand and ran back to the court where everyone teased him with flirtatious “Oooo”’s and walked back to their positions for drills. You were a little flushed by his suggestion, but Atsumu never tried to really push anything on you. You had been thinking about it. Thinking about things. You were both eighteen by this point. It wouldn’t be so wrong. Technically you were adults in society’s eyes. A lot of people younger than you were doing it already, albeit they were all extremely discrete and in denial about it. 

Then again, being with Atsumu also made you extremely insecure. The thought of having to be completely vulnerable with him was terrifying. He was so perfect in every way while you swelled up after drinking a glass of water. You always thought that he was lying to you when he called you “pretty.” Wasn’t he the one who told you to lose weight just last year too? 

Practice came to an end eventually and you felt your thoughts begin to overload making your heart race faster. 

“(Y/N) and I will get the rest guys!” Atsumu announced, breaking your train of thought.

“Eh?” Suna frowned. “This isn’t like you.”

“He just wants to be alone with his girlfriend,” Osamu scoffed. “C’mon, lets go. Let the lovebirds be.”

“SHUT YER TRAP, ‘SAMU!” 

You helped Atsumu wrap up the cleaning process by rolling the bin of balls into the supply closet. You heard the door close behind you and turned to see Atsumu smirking deviously. When you tried to move past him he stopped you. 

“Hey, hey, hey, hey,” he cooed. “Don’t go. Please.”

You weren’t scared of him. If you told him to stop, he’d listen. So you let him take his hands up to your shoulders and push you backwards until your back hit against one of the shelves. Atsumu’s golden brown eyes softened at you as you tried to hold yourself together. You felt his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into your body.

He leaned down to kiss you like he did so many times before. You just kept your arms at your side, uncertain how you should touch him today. Knowing this, Atsumu guided your arms around his neck so he could hold your waist and pull you in closer that way as he deepened his kiss. Soon, the kiss became more and more heated and you could tell that his hands were itching to move elsewhere when his grip tightened. 

“Sorry,” he apologized while he pulled back breathlessly. “I’m just a little… Um… Think I could touch you a little more today? I’ll only do it if yer okay with it.”

You were so flustered and you had no idea what to say or tell him. 

“AH!” he yelped and jumped back with his hands in air as a gesture of surrender. You’d never seen him more nervous than now. He was always a smooth-talker and hardly ever rambled like this. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable! It’s just...um...you’re really pretty and you get me all… uh… riled up sometimes. Y’know? Because I like you. Maybe love you even. ARGH! Why am I saying this in a fuckin’ supply closet! Fuck! This was not what I had in mind!”

You boldly moved forward, leaning on the very tips of your toes and pulling him down to meet your lips again. He seemed to melt and calm down into you as his hands found their way back to your waist. 

You whisper against his lips, “Just a little bit.” The second your permission processed in his mind, your shirt was tucked out of your skirt. He seemed to sigh in content against your mouth as his skin finally came into contact with the skin of your stomach. You gasped and sucked in, surprised. 

“Relax,” he said. “You’re beautiful to me. I want this to be fun for you too, okay? I’ll stop whenever you want me to.”

You tried your best to sink back into the kiss and release the tension in your body, but his hands were moving up your back. Daring to come to the front. Finally, he did and he seemed to moan at the mere touch of you. Atsumu’s hand shoved your bra up and you started to tremble as he palmed your flesh with his hand. 

He pushed you back against the same shelf and pressed his body tightly against your’s. Within seconds, you felt something hard grow on your abdomen which made you take a sharp breath of panic inward. Instinctively, Atsumu pushed completely off of you again even though you didn’t ask him too. His face was as red as your’s and he refused to look you in the eye. You looked down momentarily before snapping your gaze away from the gym shorts that weren’t doing him any justice.

“S-Sorry,” he apologized again. “I think I’m hard.”

“Pfft,” you held back your laughter. He just looked so cute trying to hide it with his legs crossed in the brief second you saw him.

“Hey,” he whined. Tears formed in your eyes as you desperately tried not to fold over in a fit a of giggles. “Don’t laugh at me.” You really couldn’t help it now. “H-HEY! STOP IT! I’M SORRY MY GIRLFRIEND TURNS ME ON! (Y/N)! STOP! GAH! THIS IS SO UNROMANTIC!” 

You almost forget and had to remind yourself that this was all new to him too. Maybe not the dates and the kissing, but most of it was. In a lot of ways, this was just as weird and novel to him as it was for you. There was so much comfort in the discomfort you shared with him and that was all you needed then. These were the days you felt like you were in it together. Then when he came back...It just felt like he took off with out you.

+++

//2019//

Atsumu loved you and everything about you. Even the hard parts. He just didn’t know how to navigate them. He loved that everything was always new with you too, but he broke in high school when the two of you first ended things and took a year to himself to be selfish. 

It wasn’t that he regretted sleeping with other women for a while. Rather, he was just upset because he always imagined his first time would be with you. You probably would have been more accepting of him coming undone much faster than he should have and allowed him to laugh it off with you. Just like you did all those years ago in a dusty closet at school. Poking fun at the situation in a way that was endearing and still loving him all the same. However, you left a huge hole in him when things ended the first time around so that he decided to fill it when the presence of others. Atsumu became reckless and slowly realized that he needed you.

Things were changing now. 

Atsumu wanted to believe that you needed him too, but there was a hard truth he didn’t want to accept. The truth that you didn’t need him at all. He knew you were starting to realize it too when one day you stopped kissing him and actually wanted to finish the movie. When you told him that you didn’t want to take off your clothes. When you brushed his hand off your waist when you were cooking or shied away when he tried to kiss your cheek. When you slipped your hand out of his because you said it was getting “too sweaty.” 

He didn’t like thinking about it, so he never said anything. In this respect, Atsumu just stayed quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending hurt ngl.
> 
> This chapter is meant show more of the awkward and clumsy parts that did make it fun. I think a lot of us had something like this back in the day whether it was when we were really young or in our first relationships.
> 
> Again, I feel it's important to say that I'm not trying to sexualize either in high school. I think at this point in the fic, it's pretty clear that the sex really isn't the focal point of this story. This moment in the closet is really more about circling back to the time when reader talks about her first sexual encounter with Atsumu and also highlight how they were both really inexperienced. It's a memory she and Atsumu look back on fondly and laugh about and wish to go back to. It's to show how much the relationship has changed and how differently the two dealt with things after their first known breakup (which I have not fully elaborated yet and may never fully reveal bc it's kind of unimportant and yall already kinda know kekekeke). Again, this fic is loosely based on my personal experiences so uh take what you will from that.
> 
> While they aren't technically minors anymore, don't lewd minors whether they're real or fictional. However, minors are still allowed to explore their sexuality just please be safe and don't put yourself in dangerous situations. I'm really pleased some of you guys are taking more from this fic than just a good story... like didn't expect that to happen!!
> 
> ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT UM PLEASE ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ATSUMU FOR ALWAYS ASKING FOR CONSENT AND TAKING HIS HANDS OFF WHEN HE KNOWS SOMETHING IS NOT OK. THE BAR IS IN HELL MEN. (sorry, i have a lot repressed trauma I'm dealing with ><)


	18. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've been gone! It's been a busy for me lately T^T....

//2019//

Maybe you should have felt more guilty then. At least told him where you were going? For some reason, you didn’t really care what Atsumu thought and that made you feel worse about it. You were going against Atsumu’s wish. Maybe this was your way of making your mind up about something. What was that something? Well—

“(Y/N).” It was always the same kind of greeting when it came to Ushijima Wakatoshi. Not a hello or a “good afternoon.” Just your name. Plain, simple, and straightforward. It was pretty fitting of him actually.

“Ushijima-san,” you returned to him. 

He frowned and asked, “Are you mocking me?”

“Of course not!” you giggled. “Now, let me buy you some coffee.”

“Um. I can pay for my own coffee. I feel bad.”

“Hush! You took care of me when I blacked out. I owe you a dinner really but…” You weren’t really available for dinner. “Anyways, I insist. What do you want?”

The two of you sat cordially opposite of each other with a cup and saucer placed in front of you. All these Tokyo cafes were overpriced, but atmospheric and served really decent coffee.

“You look nice,” Ushijima complimented out of the blue.

“Oh, thanks,” you smirked shyly. You had to give your thanks to Asami and your stepmother. Otherwise, you might have ended up with questionable fashion sense. Not to mention being in Tokyo puts the borderline sexist pressure of looking decent at every waking moment of the day.  
  


“Are you...uh...permitted to be out?” Ushijima wondered awkwardly.

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re dating Atsumu again. Right?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I am.” Then took another sip of warm coffee. “How did you know?”

“Volleyball sources.”

The answer came out too robotic and automatically, so you squint your eyes at him in suspicion. 

“Liar,” you accused.

Ushijima huffed out a short chuckle and said, “Caught me. I actually saw you two kissing at your New Year’s concert.”

“O-oh,” you stuttered, embarrassed. 

“No need to be sorry. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. I just came by to watch you play and then congratulate you, but you were...preoccupied.” Ushijima was being extremely careful with his words which appeared difficult and unnatural for him. “Anyways, I’m only here to return these.”

He pulled out a small shopping bag and handed it to you. Surely it was Atsumu’s clothes that you realized now he never asked about. 

“I don’t want to come between you and Atsumu,” Ushijima stated bluntly. Suddenly, he wasn’t being so cautious anymore. “He and I are pretty well acquainted with a lot of mutuals. We’re both in the running to play in the Olympics next year. I’ve always wanted to spike for him and I’m sure he’s always wanted to set for me. I don’t want that opportunity to be jeopardized.”

His words were suggesting that you were an obstacle and that almost hurt.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I don’t mean to be rude. Just honest.”

“You’re an honest guy,” you reaffirmed. “But not a bad guy. I understand your and Atsumu’s priorities. It’ll always be volleyball.”

He seemed to inaudibly grumble at your response. Ushijima started to drum his thick fingertips against the wood of the table. You cocked your head to the side questioningly and waited for him to say something again.

“I lied about another thing,” he finally admitted.

“Oh?”

“That night at the club,” he started. _Oh, no_ . “I told you nothing happened, but we— _I_ actually kissed you that night.”

+++ 

//2016//

Somehow, by some miracle, you had gotten your applications and materials in on time for U.S. schools and now you were focused on passing entrance exams for Japan. Honestly, you were on au roll and you weren’t sure how you were juggling it all considering you were also dating Atsumu. Although, you paid a price by dropping a few ranks. Instead of the top five, you were now placed in the top twelve. You would have to score as close to perfect as possible on the entrance exams now to be considered for some of the schools in Tokyo. Luckily, all the U.S. exams were fair game to show off. Especially, foreign language tests. You still had a shot.

“Don’t go,” Atsumu stated pretty demandingly.

“What?” you snapped.

“Don’t go to America,” he said.

“That’s not for you to decide,” you scoffed.

“Aren’t you going to come back to Japan?” he asked. “What’s the point of going if you’re just going to come home to work?”

“That’s not the point of studying abroad,” you argued with bewilderment in your voice. “I don’t want to talk about this with you right now. I am so—”

“Tired!” he finished for you in exasperation. “I know! You’re always tired now and I get it, but why is it so worth it?”

“You know that you don’t have a say in this, right?”

Atsumu grumbled and ruffled his hair in frustration. He let out a vexed sigh and placed a hand on his hip. You typically saw him as easy-going or at least he tried to come off that way, but as you realized that he was really a high-strung perfectionist. Similar to the way he controlled the play on a volleyball court, he was trying to control you too.

+++

//2019//

A million thoughts were coursing through your head as you made your way home. The good. The bad. And everything in between. Every moment with Atsumu replayed in your head over and over and over and over. It was like a tortuous limbo and your heart broke with each passing vision. You wouldn’t be able to talk to him with a straight face now, but it felt unfair to just do it over text. 

Little did you know at the time that Atsumu had been given an early start to the weekend. So when you came home and saw those bright golden eyes beaming at you with love, everything inside you screamed at nothing.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” he greeted. You watched as his face fell with the realization something was wrong. “Hey…”

“I think we should breakup,” you told him.

+++

Quiet. Your hand was wrapped tightly in his. He wanted anything but to let you go. You could practically hear his inner pleas for you to stay loudly, but everything around you was quiet. You hadn't said a word since you walked through your front door except the words “I think we should breakup.”

Confusion filled his mind. Had he done something _that_ wrong? It had been a while since you two had really fought, but you looked so distraught. 

“Why?” he finally asked. “Can’t we work this out? I think we can work it out. You just have to tell me what to do and I’ll fix it. We’ll fix it. We can talk, (Y/N).”

“I’m tired of talking,” you admittedly meekly. “I’m not good for you anymore, Atsumu. I can’t do this anymore.”

  
You were refusing to look him in the eye. He had such puppy-like eyes. You were afraid you’d forgive him, if you so much as looked at him and his hurt expression. Atsumu tugged at your arm gently, coaxing you to fall right under his chin where you knew you would feel like you belonged. But you didn’t.

“No more,” this time you were begging. “Please.”

“Can you at least tell me what happened and how you came to this?” he questioned. You just bit your lip and looked off to the side. Atsumu tried grabbing your chin to make you face him, but you just pulled away. He felt your hand finally slip out of his leaving behind the promise ring he gave you back in his palm. It was then that he realized that you really meant it this time.

His grip finally slips out of yours, making you feel cold. It would be so easy to grab him and bring him into you again. It was taking everything inside of you to reject that feeling of wanting his familiar touch.

From your periphery you see him scratch his head and nod to himself before gathering himself from the couch. He rummages around to pack up his belongings. Clearly, he’s restraining himself from doing anything that would startle you. On any other occasion, Atsumu would explode and slam things around but he was being uncharacteristically cautious this time. Meanwhile, you just listened as he zipped up his duffel bag and put on his jacket.

You hear the wheels of his suitcase against your wooden floor until they stop at your door. He doesn’t put his shoes on yet and instead comes back to you. You still won’t look at him, but you feel wet drops fall heavy on the top of your head. One after the other.

You feel Atsumu’s hand wrap around your head and pull you into his warm abdomen. He uses his thumb to rub the side of your scalp before leaning down to press a long kiss into your hair. You almost expected him to hold you there forever and say something to make you take him back. 

You recalled waking up to him in the morning, tied up in naked limbs and the soft sound of his sleepy laughter in your ear. His muscular arm heavy over your chest as he possessively snuggled you into his form. The way he kissed you so tenderly and then using his lips to go over the various marks and bruises he loved to give you. Sometimes he’d take you again in the morning. He liked the intimacy of it and so did you. 

You imagined tomorrow morning when he’d no longer be there and there would be nothing else.

“Thank you,” he whispered in a quivering voice. “For everything. Even if you can’t love me back anymore, I’ll always love you.” He draws in a shaky breath. You knew he wanted to ask for another chance, but there were none left to give. Instead he said, “And I’m sorry.” 

Atsumu kisses the top of your head one last time and unwinds himself from you. You wait until the door closes shut before you let yourself breathe again.

You should have thanked him for finally letting you go. For finally releasing you from his tenacious grip. You were free, but it hurt. Maybe the more it hurt, the more it meant it was real. Everything you had with Atsumu was real. The good. The bad. And everything in between. It was all real, but you didn't have to relive them anymore. Atsumu had decided to make this easy for you and you were grateful for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heart been broke too many times. :'(


	19. Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! sorry this update took really long! i had a bit of block followed by a bunch of happenings in my personal life T^T looks like this story will be wrapping up in the next two chapters (after this one). thanks everyone so much for your love and support. 💖 anyways enjoy more ushijima 😈

//2017//  
You had Atsumu drifted apart in the middle of your third year. Neither of you really disclosed the happenings of your breakup because there wasn’t really much to say. It was mutual, brief, and over text. It felt like the two of you were living completely different lives and faced with choices that would set you even farther apart. 

You were accepted into a pretty good program somewhere in the state of Pennsylvania, however, without a scholarship the tuition was abhorrently steep. So, you opted to change plans and attend school in Tokyo. Atsumu was immediately off to Osaka where he was already recruited by a first division team. 

And you believed that that was that. Until, one year later, Atsumu’s head was on your shoulder and pleading you to take him back. Everything leading up to that day was just the prequel you wished you had read and analyzed with sticky notes instead of jumping right in. 

//2019//

It was over. For good. You were telling yourself the last two months that this was it. Atsumu wasn’t coming back, not that you particularly wanted him back. You just didn’t really feel too great lately though. Understandable. No matter how many fronts you put up with others, no one would really know that it did hurt inside. Every time you thought about Atsumu, you felt horribly empty. Especially when the weekends rolled around.

Finals were over and your girlfriends decided to go out. Inwardly, you were reluctant but you were forcing yourself to go out and have fun. Be a little reckless. And there you were sitting at a table surrounded by drunk girls each accompanied by an unknown man. They were all standing on top of the seats and table, dancing while you just tried to sit and drink. Unfortunately, the champagne didn’t quite taste the same. 

Frustrated, you get up and push out of the crowd. It takes a few moments before you’re finally outside only to realize it’s fucking raining. 

“Shit,” you swear. 

The heels of your shoes clicked rapidly on the pavement as you rushed to the convenient store next to the club. The bright white light irritates your all too sober eyes that had adjusted themselves to the darkness inside. Somehow, you wished you were deliriously drunk but nothing would go over. 

You wait in line for several minutes until you reach the register where you ask for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Typically, you’d buy the pack with the group and share few before donating the pack to someone else who wanted it more. However, as you stood outside under the building, safe from the rain, you wondered if it would be so bad to get addicted to something… 

“(Y/N)?” That voice. It comes out everywhere. You wanted to scream at it to go away. Another perk of being drunk would’ve been that you could get away with it. Call him the morning after, saying you were sorry and horribly intoxicated. Sadly, you were annoyingly not and also soaked.

You turn to the source of the voice and say back, “Ushijima-san.” He was standing a few feet away from you and clearly was prepared for the weather with an umbrella in hand. Couldn’t he have picked a better day to spontaneously meet you?

Dark olive brows knit together into a frown before he asks, “Are you mocking me?”

You let out a breathy huff and answer, “Of course not.” You take another puff of the cigarette. “What brings you here? Aren’t you in the middle of season or something?”

“I wasn’t here for the club,” he replied. “I was at a bar nearby with some friends who went in, but I’m going home. This isn’t really my thing and I can’t drink because...as you said...I’m on season.”

“Then you should go,” you say. 

You watch Ushijima walk closer and lean his umbrella towards you. “You must be cold.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re sober too.”

“Yup.”

“Seems like you don’t want to be here either.”

You weren’t sure how or at what moment you shifted to be under Ushijima’s umbrella, but suddenly you were looking up right into his dark brown eyes.

“I don’t,” you tell him. Your eyes grow a little wider as you ask him, “Take me home?”

+++

As clueless as you thought Ushijima was, he was a good kisser. A really decent kisser actually. Ushijima was seated on your small couch with your legs on either side of his torso and your hands buried in his hair. He let out deep, low grunts as your lower body grinded into him while he kept his own hands respectfully on your waist. You can feel his nether regions swell and harden against your panties. Suddenly, one of his massive hands taps the side of your thigh signalling you to stop.

Breathlessly you ask him, “What’s up?” You remove your hands from his head and situate them around his neck.

“I don’t think this is right,” he answers. 

You frown at him. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“I don’t like being used,” he answers bluntly. You feel your blood freeze when Ushijima effortlessly lifts you off him and sets you down beside him.

“That’s not—”

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean for it to come off like that.” He sighed. “I know you just broke up with Miya, so I don’t feel like being your rebound is what I mean. I also don’t like the possibility of this being a one time thing and then you never speaking to me again.”

Your face formed into a frown. His still expression was unreadable and you weren’t sure what to make of what he was saying. 

“Then why did you come with me?” you questioned him. “Why are you here? Isn’t this what guys do?”

“Actually, I wouldn’t really know what guys are supposed to do,” Ushijima explained. “I grew up with just my mom.”

“Oh,” was all you could muster.

“Doesn’t mean I know all that much about girls either,” Ushijima admitted. “I’m kind of dull when it comes to people in general.”

You laugh half-heartedly. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a good guy. I’m the bad one here.”

Ushijima shook his head. “Don’t sell yourself short,” he said right back at you in a stoic manner.

His hand came up and tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear delicately. You felt the ends of your smile fall. He looked like he was going to kiss you again, but you stopped it by asking another question.

“What did you mean back then when you said I deserved better? How did you know Atsumu and I were...not great?”

Ushijima gave you a quizzical look before answering, “I didn’t know anything. I still don’t know anything.” Your eyes fell from his face in disappointment. Then he continued, “I just don’t think a guy should make a girl cry like that.”

Your eyebrows raised in surprise and you swore you saw him blush as you let out restrained giggles. As amusing as it was to hear something like that from the seemingly taciturn volleyball star, the way he said it also made tingles run down your entire body. It was a feeling you realized you hadn’t had for a long time even while dating Atsumu. 

“You’re right,” you assured him. 

Ushijima shifted uncomfortably in his seat andthe red on his face seemed to grow more prominent. It was then you noticed the painful stretch of his pants. Like an innocent schoolgirl, you averted your eyes. 

“I…” Ushijima started to say. “I don’t want to have sex.” Although the thing in pants certainly said the opposite. “However, we can still kiss? If you want.”

It was a pretty silly offer. For a second, you thought about what harm could be done. 

Finally you answered, “I don’t think I’m ready for this.” Ushijima seemed to contemplate your words, but his pensive frown quickly turned into a smirk.

“Okay,” he replied. “Then, I’ll go.”

As he stood up, you caught his wrist making him stop in his tracks. He was really large. Maybe three times your own size, but you looked him straight in his warm eyes with as much confidence as you could project.

“But,” you said, “you’ll be the first to know when I am ready.”

Ushijima was really difficult to read which made your heart seem to pound in your chest even harder in anticipation. You were being strangely forward despite being devastatingly sober, but luckily, Ushijima smiled. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “That would be nice.”

Suddenly, you didn’t feel so alone anymore when the apartment was left empty. It seemed a little brighter even. You didn’t have to clutch your sheets as if it were a person filling a void. You felt comfortable and at ease. Most importantly, you were finally in control of yourself and your own life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why this ushi scene was so cute to me giahrohaorhgio hope you guys thought it was cute too :3 I also wanted to clarify that ushijima isn't the exact reason y/n feels more secure or anything. he really just helped her become more secure by giving her the choice for him to stay or leave and respecting that decision. she's finally realized that she's worth more and that she wasn't being delusional in the relationship and really believes she made the right decision with atsumu.


	20. Too Late to Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually had been written for a while, but I was juggling with it :p hehehe sorry if you find this chapter short! it was meant to be combined with the next chapter until I realized that that would make no sense...  
> well anyways two more left!!!!

//2019//

Atsumu knew that if he got caught drinking during the season, there would be consequences. Frankly, at the moment, he didn’t really care. Okay, he cared a little bit. He couldn’t lose volleyball _and_ the person he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. So, he chose a pretty understated bar that was a little rough around the edges but served drinkable beer.

The blonde was muttering to himself a string of cuss words under his breath. Practice was shit. Life was shit. Everything was shit. Worst of all—and he knew it was wrong— he was thinking of any possibilities to get you back. Sadly for him, every direction he moved his thoughts, it all came to a dead end. You had made the call this time and he had to respect it.

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” came a sharp, bitter tone. 

Atsumu groaned and snapped, “Piss off, Sakusa.” Then, the setter downed his third pint of beer before slamming it against the wood of the table and rudely shouting, “Another one please!” 

“Sakusa?” he questioned with an offended tone. “Haven’t heard you call me by my last name since… well...ever.” A dark haired man sat in the stool next to Atsumu. “One for me too please.”

Atsumu shot Sakusa Kiyoomi, MSBY’s hitter, a dirty look.

“Yer on season, Omi,” he remarked.

“Yeah, so are you.” Atsumu made a disgruntled noise. Kiyoomi was always cold, blunt, and hard to approach. Usually, Atsumu really enjoyed that part of him because it reminded him of how Osamu could be to him at home. Atsumu and Kiyoomi bickered and battled the same way on the court as brothers would and Atsumu found comfort in that. While Atsumu didn’t want to admit it, it was comforting to have Kiyoomi there at his side.

Kiyoomi took a hearty swig of his beer and sighed. “So, what’s going on?”

“WADDYA MEAN?” Atsumu yelled. “NOTHING, OMI! WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME SOMETHING’S GOING ON?”

Kiyoomi glared at his setter. “Quit yelling, dumbass. You’re not proving anything. Also, you were hitting your serves out of bound today. You don’t do that during practice unless you’re mad about something.”

“ARGH!” After a few seconds of mindless fussing, Atsumu finally took a deep breath and settled down just a bit.

“I just thought we made a promise, y’know?” Atsumu said coherently. “Me and (Y/N) I mean.”

“What kind of promise?” 

“The kind that means we’ll always be together.”

“Oh. That kind.”

“Shut up, Omi.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking about it.”

Kiyoomi took a sip from his cup before asking the brooding blonde, “You sure you weren’t making that promise on your own?”

Atsumu turned his head and blinked questioningly at his curly headed peer. Kiyoomi sighed knowing that Atsumu was a fool. 

“I mean,” Kiyoomi continued, “you’re the one who kept going back to her, right? The one forcing yourself into her life. Maybe you made that promise on your own and she felt like she couldn’t refuse it.”

“Until she did.” Kiyoomi dropped his fist on top of Atsumu’s head at his childish response. “Ouch!”

“You’re missing the point,” Kiyoomi warned. “Look, I’m not taking her side and I’m not saying she’s totally innocent. If anything, that girl sounds like a whole mess just by herself.”

“HEY!” Atsumu yelled defensively. Kiyoomi ignored him.

“But you took advantage of that, didn’t you?” 

Atsumu’s expression went blank. 

“Hey, I don’t know the details and I sure as hell don’t know a ton about something as troublesome as girls. You can be upset all you want, but I don’t like to associate myself with people who don’t know how to prioritize the right shit in their lives.” Kiyoomi placed some cash on the counter. Enough for his pint and all of Atsumu’s, hinting that Atsumu’s current cup would be his last. “We have a match next week and I’d like my setter back.”

+++

Thanks to his snide teammate, Atsumu went home relatively sober and just mildly tipsy. He kicked off his shoes as he entered his apartment and plopped himself on top of his bed. He hugged the pillow you would lay on when you were over and wondered if you felt that same awkward emptiness he was feeling.

Was it really all his fault? Every bit of it? Couldn’t you just have worked things out together? Just like you always did. He knew he wasn’t perfect, but neither were you. You were both flawed and you could figure it out together. Take equal blame.

Atsumu picked up his cellphone and opened “Favorites” on his contact list. Mom. Dad. (Y/N)-cutie. Osamu. His thumb hovered over your name momentarily as he thought that he deserved a real explanation for why it had to end. Your teary and worn out face popped into his head and he opted to call his brother instead.

“Hello?” Osamu said.

“Ya got some time?” Atsumu asked. 

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Am I a bad person?”

Osamu groaned. “Dude, I know you’re going through a rough time because of (Y/N), but no need to get all—”

“Just answer the damn question.” 

“Yer my brother. Why would I think you’re a bad person?”

“Because I’m a bad boyfriend.”

“As true as that is, doesn’t exactly make you an awful guy. Although, you can be pretty mean. Rude. Demanding.”

“Okay, okay, I get it!”

“Is that all you wanted to ask, ‘Tsumu?”

“Omi-kun came up to me today. And he said that I took advantage of (Y/N) when she was struggling. Do you think that’s true?”

Atsumu could hear Osamu thinking about the question.

“Hm... I mean… I guess so. You kept forcing yourself into her life.”

“Omi said the same thing!”

“Well that’s because ya were, dumbass.”

“I was?”

“Wow. You’re a really awful boyfriend.”

“Not helping.”

“Well thinking about it now, you were pretty awful to her from the start.”

“Explain.”

“Well, she lost her mother and then nearly became a loner in high school because of you, right?”

Atsumu’s heart sank at the reminder. “...Yeah.”

“She turned down an opportunity abroad because you told her she couldn’t do it.”

“Hey, she made that choice on her own.” 

“Just listen, Atsumu,” Osamu demanded. Atsumu fell silent again. “You knew she wanted someone there because she lost something. You took things from her, opportunities, so she could make those spaces for you. You tried to fill the void you helped create. You think she just made these choices all on her own, but what if she made them because you made her depend on you?”

That is what he did. Exactly word for word. 

“I ain’t sayin’ she’s guilt-free. You had expectations for her as a pro-athlete that made sense and she couldn’t handle that type of responsibility. That’s on her and I’m pretty sure (Y/N) knows that. She also knows that your life isn’t all that easy and is probably feeling sorry that she couldn’t be better for you. But you kept making it impossible for her to say no or say anything really. Every time you called to ask, you made it about you. It was never really about her or trying to do something for her. Just always, ‘what can I do to make her stay?’.”

Atsumu and Osamu stayed on the line for a few minutes longer before Osamu said he had to leave to close up shop. The blonde MSBY setter was left alone to sit in his thoughts. Nothing but regrets and guilt filled him up entirely. He was mad that no one had told him this before and ever angrier that he never tried to listen. 

Then again, did it matter anymore? It was already over. What was the point of reliving these moments? Atsumu just hoped you were doing better. Eating well. Sleeping soundly. Living your life and your dreams. He figured that staying out of it was the best way of saying that he was sorry for everything he’s done to you. Atsumu had to come to terms with the fact that there were no more chances left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've received a few comments over the course of this fic hoping that reader gets back with Atsumu and i'm afraid that will not be the case :c personally, i don't feel like that's the right answer at all. people can change and experiences can make someone a better person, yes. but i think atsumu only learns that lesson once he accepts that things are done for good. :C anyways thank you for keeping up the story and enjoying!


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